{Ed. Note: I actually started writing this on 4/15 -- more than two weeks ago. Originally the impetus for this was to maybe drop a few pounds before we went camping, and at that point there would have been about 12 weeks before we left. Just so you have some sense of perspective about the timeline. Also, I started with Step One this morning. I decided that I need to just go ahead an publish this already, or I'll never start and therefore never stick to it.}
So. I am bored with my life and I feel like making a change, and also I hate diets but I need to go on one. So. Since I have like zero self-control and some kind of weird OCD about food logging -- like, really, I get obsessed, but only for a few weeks at a time because I have the attention span of a gnat on amphetamines -- I have decided the best way to do this is through a couple of little changes. One diet change at a time, over the course of twelve weeks.
For the record: I do not really have a goal here, beyond the generic "eating better and being healthier." Ideally I'd like to lose some weight, maybe 20-25 lbs.* by the time the 12 weeks are over, but I am more interested in making positive changes and sticking to them that I am in hitting a specific target. Maybe if I can stick to this plan I will revise the goals. Right now I am thinking about weighing in when I start, and then not checking my weight for at least two weeks, because I don't want to discourage myself.
{*Ed. Note: I kind of don't want to lose too much weight at all, because I just bought a new bathing suit that I haven't even worn yet. I want to get at least half a summer's worth out of it.}
Okay, so ... here goes. This is cumulative, obviously, so what I do in Week One will carry into Week Two, etc. Feedback and/or suggestions are appreciated!
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Step/Week One: The Mountain Dew Problem. I drink a lot of Mountain Dew, because (1) I don't get enough sleep and (2) I hate coffee. But I really drink a lot of Mountain Dew, sometimes as many as four 20 oz. bottles a day (!!), and about three on average. That's 900 calories that I can really do without. So for Week One, I will be cutting back to only one 20 oz. bottle of regular "high-octane" Mountain Dew a day. The rest will be replaced with diet soda or diet iced tea. If nothing else, my dentist will thank me.
Step/Week Two: Breakfast Is Important. Replace my regular breakfast (bacon egg and cheese bagel sandwich, or chicken biscuit from Chick-Fil-A) with something better. Balanced. Protein, carb, and fruit. I am thinking yogurt with granola or Special K bar, or a mini-bagel with a low-fat ham and cheese slices, or cereal with milk and some string cheese. Everything with a banana or an apple or a peach. Maybe a plum if I am feeling frisky. And a handful of peanuts or pistachios. Kind of ... organic, but not exactly. More food, but not necessarily fewer calories. Stay full longer.
Step/Week Three: Hydration Nation. Drink a cup of water for each bottle of soda. For most people, this is no biggie at all, but I hate water. Seriously. I need to be half-dead to voluntarily drink water, most of the time. Water tastes so plain. I don't like it.
Step/Week Four: Cutbacks. A little change, technically, but a big one for me. Replace the 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew with a single teeny little 12 oz. can. And perhaps some Valium. Won't save a whole lot of calories, but this is a BIG DEAL for me. Baby steps, right?
Step/Week Five: Lunchables. Replace my regular lunch with a Lean Cuisine-type entrée plus a salad or a single-serving-size vegetable side dish and a serving of fruit. Maybe I will get wild and spring for some SUGAR-FREE JELL-O, oh my God can you believe the EXCITEMENT? (Believe me, I am being flip now, but wait until I am actually DOING THIS. Oh, the SNARK AND THE MISERY, combined with what comes next ...)
Step/Week Six: The Deepest Cut. Replace half of my diet drinks with caffeine-free varieties. Eesh. This week in particular is going to SUCK.
Step/Week Seven: Turn On The Waterworks. Drink two cups of water for every bottle of soda. Get plenty of extra exercise from running to the potty.
Step/Week Eight: Fix Dinner. I don't actually know WHAT I'm going to do here, exactly, but by "fix dinner" I actually mean "repair what is wrong with the junk on your plate." Wegman's does this thing about eating "half-plate healthy," which is basically where you build your meals around half a plate of vegetables. We already do eat vegetables, but we'll have to eat more. More lean meats, more whole grains, sneak in protein where we can get it. Frigging salads. I'm kind of glad I gave myself time to work up to this, because I'm going to need practice.
Step/Week Nine: Jittery And Jumpy. No more caffeine, except one cup of regular tea in the morning and the can of Mountain Dew at lunchtime. Oh God, hold me. This is nine weeks away already and I am already in a panic. Can you get the D.T.'s from caffeine withdrawal?
Step/Week Ten: It's Not A Ridiculous Expense If It's For A Good Cause, Right? Switch from regular-size 12 oz. cans of Mountain Dew at lunch to teeny little 8-oz. cans. Even though they're overpriced. I am trying to limit my Dew consumption to lunchtime only, and I can always measure it out from a 2-liter bottle (which is probably what I'll end up doing anyway), but Mountain Dew gets flat in like an hour anyway, and if I'm only getting a cup at a time, it's going to be gross by the time the bottle is empty.
Step/Week Eleven: Fresh Goddamn Air. If my calculations are correct, this week will be our camping trip, so my primary goal here is to maintain as much as possible, with the added component of actual, real-live physical activity. I mean, tents don't pitch themselves. There will be kids to run after and islands to swim to and Survivors to outfish, outswim, and outcamp. If I do nothing else this week, my goal is to try to stick to the Mountain-Dew-only-in-moderation rule, because this has the capacity to be a yellow-#5-and-HFCS bender, and I don't want that.
Step/Week Twelve: Keep On Keepin' On. A week of self-reflection and evaluation. What has been working, and what hasn't? What needs to change? Where can we add additional steps to keep on track? Hopefully I will be able to be honest with myself here.
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Now, I know there are a few things missing. "What about snacks?" I didn't eliminate them completely, and that is because I already know how I am. I don't stick to things if I can't have treats. I'm going to try to change them, like by buying a jumbo bag of pistachios and eating them, but if I know that I absolutely cannot allow myself to have an Oreo once in a while, I will be unable to think of anything except Oreos, and I'll have beaten myself before I even started.
Also: I hope to start taking pictures of my meals, so I can get back on board with the Project 365 thing. It's been abandoned, but not forgotten.
So. Am I nutso?
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