12W12S11: Surrender

So you remember that I had this diet goal of being able to buy a pair of jeans at the Gap by March 1st, right? Well I'm going to come out and admit, right off the bat, that it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I am disappointed but not devastated, which means that I am making progress on my multitude of issues. At this time last year -- hell, at this time six months ago -- this kind of setback might have thrown me way off kilter and possibly thrown me into some kind of emotional tailspin, but right now? It's not all that big of a deal. So it will take me another few weeks? So what?

Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, we're all all right, we're all all right!

Believe me, this is HUGE for me. If you've been reading my blogs, you know I have BIG ISSUES, so acceptance of myself at any point in the game is an EPIC PERSONAL WIN.

So I've revised the plan and now I am hoping to buy that mythical magical pair of jeans at the Gap by April 1st. What's another month? By then I might even be down a whole additional size, and I'll be able to get 14's. Additionally, I have a pair of jeans and a pair of velveteen pants from Talbot's that I ordered online that are still too small -- I ordered 16's, which is what I wear in Lane Bryant pants, but either LB sizes run big or Talbot's sizes run small or both, because I can't get anywhere close to buttoning the Talbot's pants -- that I hope will fit by April 1st. New pants for everybody, yay!

Oh, are you looking for numbers? Apparently the combination of PMS last week and strep throat earlier this week has been good for me, because I lost 5½ lbs in 2 weeks. I continue to wish that my loss was more consistent -- I am still trying to lose 2 lbs. a week but I will settle for even ½ lb., as long as I lose SOMETHING every week -- but I am not about to beat myself up over it.

And, because it's been a while, a "recipe" for you, although I hesitate to call this one a recipe because it kind of isn't -- mostly it's a bunch of delicious things slapped in a bowl. But it was good, it was one of the best lunches I've had in weeks, and you should try it too.

Diet Loaded Baked Potato

• 1 medium baking potato (Russett, Idaho -- brown skin, about ½ lb.)
• 2 tablespoons shredded reduced-fat cheddar cheese
• 1 tablespoon real bacon bits
• 2 tablespoons reduced- or non-fat sour cream
• 1 tablespoon dried chives

1. Wash potato. Wrap in aluminum foil and bake, or poke with holes, wrap in a paper towel, and cook in the microwave for 4-5 minutes or until done.
2. Remove potato from oven and allow to cool until it can be handled comfortably.
3. Split potato lengthwise and lightly "chop" or mash until slightly fluffy.
4. Sprinkle cheese and bacon over potato.
5. If necessary, microwave for 15-25 seconds or until cheese is melted.
6. Top with sour cream and chives.
7. Thoroughly enjoy.

Based on LoseIt!'s calculations, each loaded potato has between 250-275 calories, depending on the size of the potato and whether you use reduced-fat or fat-free sour cream (I used fat-free and mine came out to 265 calories). Worth every single calorie.

Cousins Calendar: January 2012

So. I got some work done.

I haven't started working on the Cupcake Calendar yet, but I think I'll be using a similar theme for that page as well (singular "angel" obviously). I might change the colors some, and the font, but I like the "Snow Angel" concept so I think I'll run with it.

Financial Alchemy

Thank you to TurboTax for sponsoring my writing about household finances. Learn more about how TurboTax can help you find every tax deduction you deserve. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

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I am probably the last person in the world who should ever give anybody any kind of financial advice. I run out of paycheck long before the next one comes in -- although, in this economy, that seems to be happening to more and more people.

"In this economy." Heh. Wish I had that excuse fifteen years ago, when I totally trashed my credit and had to borrow money from basically everybody I knew to keep myself from being sent to debtors' prison, when I was just a little naïve and a whole lot of stupid.

It's taken us a long time to get our money situation in order, and a lot of that is because of me. I admit this. And even now, we're not in the best shape, financially-speaking, but we're better off than a lot of people. Even when my husband was out of work, we managed to make ends meet, somehow. Primarily because he is good at managing his money, but also because I think that maybe I have finally, after all this time, learned to manage mine.

That sounds weird, probably -- "his money" and "my money," but that's the arrangement that works for us. We've been married for almost 12 years, and we still have separate checking accounts. People tell us it's bizarre to do this, deranged even, but we have a standing agreement that we will not commingle our finances until we are done paying for the things for which we are individually responsible.

I don't want him paying my student loans. I don't want him paying for the long-lost crap that I bought in college that I am still on the hook for. That is my debt, not his, and I don't want him to be stuck with those burdens. What's his is his, and what's mine is mine, and what's ours is split as evenly as possible between us.

So the mortgage, the phone bills, the cable -- each of us pays a portion. Groceries and household stuff and things for Shae, we split. We take turns. But my car? I paid for that, and he pays for his. My gas? I pay for that too. My snacks and donations to the vending machine at work? I have to budget for these little luxuries, even if it means scrounging around in my ashtray and in the couch cushions if I want that stuff.

Sometimes it takes a bit of financial alchemy when there is a long time left before the next payday and I need to stretch the last $17 in my wallet over ten days. But we do manage to have enough money for the "big important stuff," like holidays and travel, because I believe very strongly in Christmas Club and Vacation Club. We've paid cash for about 90% of our gifts for the last three Christmases because of my Christmas Club.

Even when things were at their worst, during that 18-month stretch when my husband was unemployed, we never really had to worry about losing our house or losing our cars or anything, because our separate-but-equal strategy worked extremely well for us. Every extra couple of bucks got squirreled away for emergencies, so that when we had unexpected car repairs or a busted sink or whatever, we had a secret stash to get us through. We still have money left from our 2009 tax refund, which I think is pretty darned impressive.

So maybe I'm the last person in the world who should ever give anybody any kind of financial advice -- but believe me, whatever we are doing, it's working. And I am not about to muck about with a good thing.

12W12S11: Unfamiliar Territory

Bad news first: Didn't lose any weight this week. Actually gained between ½ pound and 3 pounds, which tells me that either my scale is broken (probably not, because it's new) or I am timing things wrong (probable culprit, because I seem to want to weigh myself before I go to the bathroom, for some reason, like duh). I am annoyed by this development, but trying to not get to heavy into the self-immolation. Like, eh, I was off routine for a few days because of funerals and cancelled swimming lessons and Galactically Huge Sporting Event Parties, and those mini éclairs were freaking delicious. Whatever.

Good news next: Um. There really isn't any. Oh! Wait! Yes! I finally figured out a way to indulge my kid's desire to exercise with me without wearing myself out too much. We picked up a kid's yoga video at the store over the weekend (you would be surprised by what they hide away in the natural and organic section at a Wegman's -- no, wait, maybe you wouldn't) and I plan to try it out tonight after dinner. It doesn't look like it will burn a whole lot of extra calories for me, but hopefully it will be a nice bonding opportunity, and also maybe now my kid will stop sitting at the top of the steps like some kind of creepy stalker to watch me do my Pilates.

Worse news last: People are starting to pay attention to how I look now, and it's kind of bothering me. (I know, shut up, right?) I went to a funeral last Thursday and at the luncheon afterwards I spent maybe a solid hour talking about how much weight I've lost, how I'm doing it, whether I can eat this-that-or-the-other thing, "oh my God I can't believe how skinny you look," etc., when I should have been, you know, remembering the dead or whatever. Skinny! Someone called me skinny! And it's weird, because I really am not. Yes, I have lost quite a bit of weight, but I still have to lose at least as much as I have already. In theory, I am glad that people notice, because for a long time I felt like I was on the periphery all the time, just the big girl with the quick quips and the loud laugh, but in reality, I don't know how I feel about the attention.

Yeah, yeah, "first-world white-girl problems." But the more people notice the physical changes, the more I feel like there need to be psychological changes, too, and that's when every nice thing that people have to say becomes a potential trigger. I'm supposed to still be me, only better, but ... I don't always feel better about myself. I mean, it's exhausting, really, to not know how to take a compliment, to question the motives of people who really do mean well, who want to be encouraging. Much as I love the schadenfreude, I should be relishing the envy in people's eyes, because I really have worked long and hard to get to this point.

I mean -- my God, I am exercising! At least three times a week! On purpose! It's like anarchy up in this mother!

So, yes, along with all the weight I still have to drop, I have a lot of issues I need to work on as well. Thanks for bearing with me as I continue to venture through this unfamiliar territory. (The being "skinny," not the being crazy, obviously, like duh).

12W12S11: Murder Was the Case

Part The First -- I have come to the realization that I make some damn good diet food. Take tonight's dinner, for example: meatballs with sauce, spaghetti with butter and Parmesan cheese, mixed vegetables. If I didn't tell you that everything was portion-controlled and carefully calorie-counted, you'd never know. I'm very proud of that. You can look at what I was eating back in July, when I was allowed close to 1,600 calories a day, and if you compare it now, when I am allowed just over 1,200 calories a day, and my evening meals don't look all that different, actually. Maybe a little smaller, sometimes, but not really all that different.

Part The Second -- I am pretty sure that Mari Winsor is trying to murder me, and I think it's a load of hooey. What the hell did I ever do to her? I've been trying to be a good little girl, doing my Pilates Bootcamp video every week like I'm supposed to, even adding some different workouts this week (which, bee-tee-dubs, I will review as soon as I get through all of them), and still she wants me dead or something.

HONEST TO GOD I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH PAIN IN MY ABS IN MY WHOLE LIFE. It's murder, I tell you -- murder! But I shall keep on keepin' on, because I ordered new pants today and I want to be able to button them.