12W12S11: Unfamiliar Territory

Bad news first: Didn't lose any weight this week. Actually gained between ½ pound and 3 pounds, which tells me that either my scale is broken (probably not, because it's new) or I am timing things wrong (probable culprit, because I seem to want to weigh myself before I go to the bathroom, for some reason, like duh). I am annoyed by this development, but trying to not get to heavy into the self-immolation. Like, eh, I was off routine for a few days because of funerals and cancelled swimming lessons and Galactically Huge Sporting Event Parties, and those mini éclairs were freaking delicious. Whatever.

Good news next: Um. There really isn't any. Oh! Wait! Yes! I finally figured out a way to indulge my kid's desire to exercise with me without wearing myself out too much. We picked up a kid's yoga video at the store over the weekend (you would be surprised by what they hide away in the natural and organic section at a Wegman's -- no, wait, maybe you wouldn't) and I plan to try it out tonight after dinner. It doesn't look like it will burn a whole lot of extra calories for me, but hopefully it will be a nice bonding opportunity, and also maybe now my kid will stop sitting at the top of the steps like some kind of creepy stalker to watch me do my Pilates.

Worse news last: People are starting to pay attention to how I look now, and it's kind of bothering me. (I know, shut up, right?) I went to a funeral last Thursday and at the luncheon afterwards I spent maybe a solid hour talking about how much weight I've lost, how I'm doing it, whether I can eat this-that-or-the-other thing, "oh my God I can't believe how skinny you look," etc., when I should have been, you know, remembering the dead or whatever. Skinny! Someone called me skinny! And it's weird, because I really am not. Yes, I have lost quite a bit of weight, but I still have to lose at least as much as I have already. In theory, I am glad that people notice, because for a long time I felt like I was on the periphery all the time, just the big girl with the quick quips and the loud laugh, but in reality, I don't know how I feel about the attention.

Yeah, yeah, "first-world white-girl problems." But the more people notice the physical changes, the more I feel like there need to be psychological changes, too, and that's when every nice thing that people have to say becomes a potential trigger. I'm supposed to still be me, only better, but ... I don't always feel better about myself. I mean, it's exhausting, really, to not know how to take a compliment, to question the motives of people who really do mean well, who want to be encouraging. Much as I love the schadenfreude, I should be relishing the envy in people's eyes, because I really have worked long and hard to get to this point.

I mean -- my God, I am exercising! At least three times a week! On purpose! It's like anarchy up in this mother!

So, yes, along with all the weight I still have to drop, I have a lot of issues I need to work on as well. Thanks for bearing with me as I continue to venture through this unfamiliar territory. (The being "skinny," not the being crazy, obviously, like duh).