12W12S11: More Than Zero

This week I lost more than zero pounds: three, actually. I don't know how, because I wasn't particularly careful about what I was eating and I only worked out two days. But I didn't go completely buck-wild until yesterday, when I ate almost a whole box of crackers, and while I was mostly snowed in for two days, I did at least go outside and shovel some, and play in the snow with my kid. So I guess that counts for something, anyway.

And I don't even care all that much: those crackers (Archer Farm Cheddar & Scallion Sourdough Twists, actually) were DAMN GOOD. Worth every undocumented calorie.

I picked up a new exercise DVD yesterday -- another Mari Winsor-instructed, Pilates-based set of workouts. These are all targeting specific areas, and they're each 15 minutes long. I think I will be focusing on the "Flat-Ab Blast" and "Total Body Makeover" segments, but "Cardio Burn" and "Thigh Sculptor" also both sound promising. (Interestingly enough, there is no "Get Rid Of Your Flappy Chicken Arms!" workout, which is the one I would probably use the most, maybe even every day, because COME ON WHY AM I NOT SEEING A DIFFERENCE? I still feel like I have giant hams tucked in my sleeves, and I never felt insecure about my arms AT ALL until I lost weight. Getting older sucks, yo.)

Depending on how tough these workouts are, I may start doing them in addition to my regular Pilates bootcamp workout, but that remains to be seen -- I still have some trouble in the middle sections of the bootcamp workout because I can't get the choreography down. But I figure that I can do an extra 15 minutes two times a week without falling over dead. Hypothetically. Right?

So things are still going well, and it looks like I might still be on target to get regular retail jeans by March 1st. I am still hoping to be down to a size 14 by then, but we'll see where we are.

Fun Fab Five

Thanks to Trop 50 for sponsoring my writing about fabulous bloggers. This year Trop50 is granting 50 fabulous wishes. Click here to enter for a chance to win $1,000 to help grant a friend's wish!

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(Reprint of a post that originally appeared on the 'riffic.)

Today is a snow day for us -- ONCE AGAIN -- and so while Shae's sitting around watching movies and playing with noisy toys and taking a nap (a nice, looooooooooooong winter's nap, right? RIGHT?), I get to catch up on my blog reading. I read A LOT of blogs, some semi-regularly, some occasionally, some just once-and-done. If a link pops up in my twitter feed, I'm pretty likely to click it. But there are about a dozen or so blogs that I read ALL THE TIME, written by people that I would very much like to hang out with someday, have a drink and some appetizers and shoot the breeze, preferably in an undisclosed tropical location with access to absolute bucketfuls of margaritas and conch fritters. Five of these people are so fabulous that they took pity on my poor soul and have become Twitter or Facebook friends, and these are the top five blogs I will be reading today, to get caught up and keep from getting cabin fever while I wait for my husband to call and tell me that he is safely at work.

(Please note that I did not includes by anyone in my family or anyone who is family-adjacent because I don't want to forget anybody. Also, this list is in alphabetical order.)

Chibi Jeebs: Sometimes I think that Chibi is a long-lost twin or something, because we seem to have a lot in common. She turned me on to Lose It, so I guess I have her to thank for my losing 70 lbs. since May 2010, even though all she did was mention the app and I did all the heavy lifting. She is funny, neurotic, sarcastic, smart and smart-mouthed -- occasionally I will read something she wrote and slap myself in the forehead for not writing that line first. My very favorite story of hers is the one about the Car Accident. I want Chibi to have my back in a parking-lot slap-fight.

Dancing Lemur: Another blogger that I think is a long-lost twin (triplet)? She's from North Carolina and knows what a Moravian star is. She also plays Zynga games on Facebook with me, and one of these days she's going to convince me to actually attend a blogging conference. Hypothetically. For her, I might actually do it. I think she's at a blogging conference right now (hope she're having fun and keeping warm). She takes great pictures and we have a similar aesthetic regarding Christmas and you KNOW how seriously I take Christmas.

The Domestic Goddess: D-Gods (that's what I call her -- it is probably not her name for herself) is local to me and I might have to start stalking her, because she is made of awesome. She is a constant reminder that propriety is highly situational for parents of small children. Her "About" page is a thing of absolute beauty and staggering genius, but if I had to pick a favorite post, it would be the one about the Unmade Resolutions.

Jodifur: Jodifur reminds me of college, in all the best ways (and yes there actually were some). She and I are around the same age and have some similar things in common and she seems to react to stuff in the same kind of ways that I do, so again with the long-lost twin thing (are we up to quadruplets, now)? Also, she loves Sim City, and it's really, really hard for me to disagree with anyone who loves Sim City.

Temerity Jane: Sweet cracker sandwich. Sometimes, when I read this blog, I laugh so hard I need oxygen. That is about as ringing an endorsement as you're ever going to get from me. I love this blog for the same reason Jessica Rabbit loves Roger Rabbit: she makes me laugh. Literally LOL. Funny is fabulous. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

So go check these ladies out. I promise you won't be sorry.

(Oh, and also, blog authors? One of my New Year's resolutions was to comment more, so I promise to stop being a secret stalker soon!)

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Don't forget to enter the 50 Fabulous Wishes contest for a chance to win $1,000 to support a friend's wish. I was selected for this Tropicana Trop50 sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do. I received compensation to use and facilitate my post.

12W12S11: Weekly Wrap-Up

I guess the moral of the story for this week is: careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Because this week? I lost exactly zero pounds. But since I actually lost 4½ lbs. last week, I'll take it. Plus I had my period, and that tends to throw off the numbers, because I crave salty stuff, because apparently I turn into some kind of salt-licking woodland creature when I have PMS.

I only did my workout three times this week, instead of the four I intended to -- on Thursday my knee was really bothering me and I didn't want to mess with it. Mari Winsor's choreography tends to have me all of the place and my knees move in ways they're not supposed to, so I figured it was better to suck it up one night then be unable to move for a whole week. I think I made the right choice.

I also tried to cut myself a little slack, eating-wise, and instead of trying to be as far under my calorie limit as I could managed to get, what I did this time was try to be as close to the number without going over as I could stand, while still eating "regularly." I had red velvet cake twice -- TWICE! -- in two days -- TWO DAYS! -- and I feel pretty good about it, or at least not at all guilty.

Still on track to buy myself new jeans at a "regular" store by March 1st. In fact, I am hoping that I can drop 12 lbs. by Valentine's Day so I can get someone else to buy me $60 pants so I can spend the money on a new pair of boots, because it appears that EVERY.SINGLE.PAIR. of jeans in the Universe is boot cut. I don't understand why, and I probably never well, but I guess I need to go with the flow.

12W12S11: Zero

I mentioned yesterday that one of the things that I am currently worried about is that I might be developing some kind of eating disorder from all this dieting I've been doing. I'm sure that my saying that was either (1) overlooked in the long, fairly detailed list of all the not-actual-things that I think are wrong with me, or (2) a kind of a "Wait, what?" moment for at least couple of people. In either case, I want to explain myself, a little bit.

The reason why I worry that I might be developing an eating disorder is because I'm pretty sure I used to have one. Sometimes I think I still do.

I was never officially diagnosed with an eating disorder; to be honest, I'm not even 100% sure myself that I ever actually had one. But I think I did. Whatever I suffered from probably doesn't have a name, but essentially it was this: from the middle of my junior year through the end of my senior year in high school, I basically ate enough to not keel over dead, and to not tip anybody off to what I was doing.

Now, those of you who lived with me or went to school with me at the time and may not remember things exactly the way I do. That's because I was deliberately trying to keep you from noticing that I was only eating about 800 calories a day, and fewer if at all possible.

Most days, I did not eat breakfast. I was "running late" or "too tired" or "already ate" or "not hungry" or whatever else excuse I could come up with for not eating in front of people. Unless I told you I was "not hungry," I probably wasn't lying; I was always hungry, but I was also always running late and always tired and technically I had already eaten something. It just might have been 12 or 24 hours earlier. If I got cornered into actually ingesting something in the morning, I would have a cup of hot Lipton tea with half-and-half and four sugars. It was always hot Lipton tea, always half-and-half, and always four sugars. If any of those variables could not be satisfied, I would just beg off, saying it wasn't "just the way I liked it."

Most days, I ate almost nothing for lunch. If I was in the school cafeteria, I might have a few bites of my sandwich, two or three corn chips, a graham cracker, maybe an entire slice of cheese if I was having a bad day and I couldn't shut up the rumbling in my belly. If I didn't pack a lunch and someone forced my hand, I'd buy a granola bar or some snack cakes from the lunch line, take a couple of nibbles, and then complain that something tasted "off," or wrap it up to eat "later" and then "forget" it at the table. If I went off-campus for lunch with my friends, I'd order the smallest, cheapest thing on the menu, eat no more than six bites, and then "accidentally" drop it on the floor, or share almost everything I had with others. If I had lunch in the choir or the band room, I'd bring nothing, and nobody ever noticed.

Most days, I'd eat just enough at supper time to keep anyone from being suspicious. A few spoonfuls of rice, a couple of bites of chicken, a handful of broccoli. I was always doing some kind of extracurricular activity or another anyway, swimming or drama or choir or newspaper, and my parents and my sisters were always running around somewhere else, so in the constant flow of noise and traffic, it was pretty easy to not be caught. I'd complain about not getting the last piece of whatever, or make a stink about there not being any cookies, while all the while I was secretly hoping that nobody started thinking that I was protesting too much.

Many days I couldn't hide or deny how hungry I was, so I would eat a meal or two like a "normal" person, as small as I could possibly manage, all the while silently (and not so silently) cursing and disparaging myself for being so weak, for giving in to my "baser" urges, and then not eating for two days afterwards. I would have days, weeks, months where I would find myself thinking, "If only I didn't eat today." When I managed to successfully get through a day without eating what I thought was "too much," I would go to bed thinking, "If only I don't eat tomorrow." The longer I could pull off not eating, the better I felt about myself -- not that I ever felt that great, or even at all good, even on my best day.

I had headaches all the time, I was irritable, grouchy, emotionally unstable, manic and then morose. Just about always miserable, not matter how much I tried to pretend otherwise -- it was convenient, perhaps, that this happened when I was in my teens, what that sort of outward behavior was common, expected. At one stretch I managed to go for about 4½ days without putting anything in my body that wasn't water; at the end of it I ended up with the worst migraine I ever had, backstage on opening night of the fall play my senior year, seeing colors and hearing sounds that were most definitely not there, trying to not pass out or throw up and still remember my lines. I ended up drinking a milkshake so that everyone would leave me alone.

I've been in and out of therapy for the last twenty-odd years, since I was about sixteen, and this is something that I have never, not once, told any of my therapists. Somehow, and I still don't know how, I managed to keep myself disconnected from the disorder, whatever it was. I didn't binge and purge, so I wasn't bulimic, and I didn't completely not eat, so I wasn't really anorexic, so on some level I had myself convinced that nothing was really wrong, even though I knew it was. When my habits changed and I gained weight and got fat, I would complain about and analyze all the things I did wrong to end up like that. We talked about my overeating, my emotional connection to food, my dependency on carbohydrate-based endorphins, but I never, ever told a single therapist that I used to intentionally, voluntarily, purposefully let myself starve.

I don't know if anyone in my family or any of my friends ever knew. If they did, we never talked about it. Like a stereotypical addict, I tried to hide my behavior. And as it turned out, I was never super-skinny, not like any other anorectic I've seen before or since. The weight I was when I graduated from high school is actually a healthy weight: 135 pounds is totally fine for a person of my size. A five-foot tall woman who weighs 135 pounds could probably stand to lose a few, honestly, but it's definitely not anywhere approaching obese.

And 135 pounds is my goal weight. Because it is a perfectly healthy weight.

I mention all this because, as I said yesterday, I am worried that I am starting to fall back into bad habits again, habits that I need to work really hard to avoid. As I get closer to my goal, my daily calorie limit gets smaller, and I am getting more and more eager to drop more and more weight faster. Something I am doing, and I don't really know what it is, is triggering for me. I catch myself thinking: "If I just skip lunch today ..." or "If I just do this workout again ..." and I have to, literally sometimes, pinch myself. Stop myself. Remind myself.

These behaviors, these attitudes, are not healthy. I know this. Healthy people, physically and mentally and emotionally healthy people, do not hate themselves for having to eat. They do not find themselves negotiating with their own brains that it is perfectly okay to eat a banana for breakfast, that one banana will not lead to an endless loop of shame, that it will not start a downward spiral of doom and gloom and unending negative self-talk. A banana is not a "gateway drug," and it won't make you start eating constantly, all the time, never stopping except to sleep, like a shark.

Healthy people just see a banana. Bananas are good; they're full of B vitamins and potassium and fiber and vitamin C and all kinds of good things that help prevent cancer and hypertension. They're yellow and happy, the color of sunshine, and they taste of the tropics. Bananas are ... bananas. They are not the enemy. I have to almost force myself to see this, sometimes, instead of seeing 90 calories that maybe I don't really need to be eating.

Because I know this: I do need those calories. I also know this. After a lifetime of having a messed-up relationship with food and my body, I need to find "normal." I know that "normal" is different for everybody, and I need to find mine. Sometimes I think it is too late, that I waited too long, that I will never look like the image of the "perfect me" that I have in my head, that I will never stop looking like the "imperfect me" that I still feel that everyone sees. I don't really look at myself in the mirror much, and that is okay with me, because I am still at a point where I know I don't like what I see. I need to ease myself into liking myself again, or at least tolerating myself again. Perhaps tolerating myself for the first time.

This is why "the numbers" are such a fixation: calories, weight, pant sizes, bra sizes. Numbers are absolute. I just need to keep reminding myself that my absolute number is not going to be, cannot be, will not be, will not ever be, zero.

12W12S11: Bean and Ham Soup

I lost 4½ pounds last week. I don't get it either. Except for the exercising, I did exactly nothing different. I don't believe that 84-88 minutes of cardio-Pilates made that much of a difference, but who knows.

I also think that, unfortunately, I am going to have to change my goals soon, because when I lose more than 11 pounds, Lose It tells me that I will be eating under 1,200 calories per day, and that doesn't seem very reasonable to me. I've been doing okay with these gradual calorie drops, but I just think that fewer than 1,200 calories is not  healthy. It certainly won't be sustainable -- how am I going to keep from porking back up when I reach my goal and start eating "regular" again? But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Probably won't be for another few weeks or so. At that point I think I will change my weight-loss goals from 2 lbs. per week to 1½ lbs.

On the other hand: I am now closing in a weight that begins with a "1"! If you had told me back in May 2010 that I would be at this point right now, I would have laughed in your face. This might be the longest I have ever been on a continuous, sustained diet in maybe ever. So go me!

At this point in the proceedings, I'll come right out and tell you that I've been eating a lot of soup. I like soup, especially in the winter time, and it's pretty cheap and easy to make a relatively healthy lunch out of a can of soup. I try to watch my sodium as much as possible, and go with lower-sodium varieties, but one of the things that I like the most about soup is the saltiness. Don't know why, and I'm sure it's entirely psychosomatic, but I tend to feel more satisfied after I eat salty foods -- maybe it's all the extra water I drink afterwards, to try to compensate. Not sure.

I still like to make a nice family dinner on Sundays, so I've been going the soup route lately. It's pretty easy to make a soup that will satisfy the people in my house who are not on a diet and still make something that fits into my particular limitations. Last night, we had a wonderful bean and ham soup that took only 1½ hours to make, was totally delicious (I'd have brought the leftovers today if my husband hadn't snagged them), and was completely diet-friendly. I could still have a nice slab of bread with it, and everybody knows that broth-soaked bread is the best part of a family dinner. Here's the recipe (see asterisks at the end for possible adjustments).

Bean and Ham Soup
(This receipe makes 4-5 servings)

• 2 cans Great Northern beans, undrained*
• 12-ounce bag large-cut mirepoix*
• 1 clove garlic, minced*
• 1 bay leaf
• ½ teaspoon mustard powder
• 1 quart vegetable stock*
• 1 pound ham steak, chopped or diced*
• Pepper to taste

In a large stockpot, combine beans, mirepoix, garlic, bay leaf, mustard powder, and stock. Bring to boil over high heat. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 45 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add ham and pepper. Stir to combine well. Adjust seasonings as needed. Cover and simmer 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove cover and simmer for an additional 10-20 minutes or until soup is desired thickness. Serve with crusty bread, if desired.

*Adjustments*:

1. If you want to use a different kind of bean, go for it. The recipe I based this on called for Great Northern, so that's what I used, but navy beans would work well, and probably split peas. Also, I used canned beans, but of course you can use the equivalent of dried beans that have been soaked. In that case, you might want to add a ham bone and bay leaf to the soaking water, if you're into that kind of thing (discard the bone before finishing the soup). Also also, my husband said that he would actually like more beans, so next time I'm going to use three cans of beans. I thought this came out a little bit salty, so if I can't find reduced-sodium broth next time, I will rinse the beans and add extra water.
2. I buy already cut mirepoix at Wegman's because I am a lazy-ass, and also because celery tends to go limp before I use it all, so in this case, there is less waste. If you want to cut your own vegetables, the equivalent would be approximately 2 carrots, 2 celery stalks, and 1 small or ½ large onion. You can obviously use more or less to taste (more veggies = better!). I will probably use 2 bags of veggies next time because I like veggies. And I use the large-cut instead of the standard small dice because my husband likes his vegetables chunky. In this particular case, I think the large cut was the way to go because nothing got super mushy.
3. Use more or less garlic to taste.
4. You use chicken stock instead, but I'm into vegetable stock right now, so that's what I used. I recommend using a lower-sodium stock if you can find one; otherwise, definitely rinse your beans. I did not have to add any salt at all to this soup, and as I mentioned, this was a little bit salty, even for me.
5. Use more or less ham to taste. We used a 1¼-lb. country ham steak and discarded the bone. It was perfect, just fell apart the right amount but still had a nice meaty texture and delicious flavor. I highly recommend using a bit of ham that has some marbling in it and some fat around the edges. You can trim this off if you want, but it gives an excellent flavor, and since there is almost no fat in the rest of the soup, you won't be overdoing it.

If you make it, let me know if you like it!

12W12S11: Roundup

Busy busy busy today, so here are a few quick thoughts on this past week before my weigh-in tomorrow.

• I actually managed to do my Pilates video four days in a row. It only gets slightly easier after the first day -- the exercises themselves are fine, but I absolutely cannot pick up the choreography.
• I can't believe that someone who eats as much fiber as I do somehow only manages to poop twice a week.
• I can't believe that someone who drinks as much water as I do still has skin like a lizard.
• I would really, really like a pizza. A whole pizza. With sausage, peppers, onions, and mushrooms. And a really big vat-sized Mountain Dew.
• I tried very hard to get video of Shae going along with my "exercise show," but she watched it for all of a minute and a half last night, declared it "stupid," and wandered off to play Hello Kitty bingo in her Barbie tent by herself.
• Can somebody please get me a pizza? And maybe some breadsticks?
• Apparently my sister left a "Biggest Loser" yoga video at my mom's, so I am going to look for that over the weekend and see how I can fit that in with my Pilates.
• Actually I should probably call it "Pilates" because what Mari Winsor teaches might be Pilates, but what I am doing in my living probably is most definitely NOT.
• I really have to focus on my form when I am exercising, otherwise I will forget to concentrate and I will spend the entire 21 minutes trying to work out what, exactly, is going on with the demonstration girl's abs. They move weird, like loose skin over tight muscles, kind of like a snake or something. It's profoundly weird.
• Not sure whether the exercise has made any difference yet. My clothes all feel the same. None of my muscles hurt or anything. I have had less trouble falling asleep lately, but I wake up more to go potty, because I am drinking a lot more water late in the day.
• WHERE THE HELL IS THAT PIZZA AND THOSE BREADSTICKS AND MY HOT FUDGE SUNDAE?

Further bulletins as events warrant. Have a nice weekend!

12W12S11: In Which I Attempt Pilates

As threatened (or promised), the End Times are definitely upon us, because I actually busted out my new exercise video last night -- and used it.

The good news, as I tweeted at the time:

As of this morning, nothing appears to be missing, broken, or otherwise nonfunctional. So that's a good thing. And I did get all the way through the entire workout without stopping once for a nap or a cigarette. BONUS!

But the bad news is that I never, not once, felt so uncoordinated IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. And remember that I am a white girl from the suburbs who has, on more than one occasion, compared her own dancing to Elaine Benes's.

My sister warned me in the comments that I would have a hard time -- "impossible to do on the first day" were her exact words -- but I thought that meant, you know, that she didn't expect me to actually remain vertical the whole time. I honestly didn't realize that she meant that the moves were going to be basically indecipherable.

Don't get me wrong: they're not so incomprehensible as to turn me off completely. But you watch this DVD and you think, "How hard can it be to do a full-body stretch?" And then you try it and you discover ... pretty damn hard, especially when you are thinking about proper form and remembering to breathe and trying to figure out just what in the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my hands there.

But as far as exercise videos go, this one was okay, and I can honestly say that it's something I can do. It was only about 22 minutes, and I was so confused the whole time that it was over before I had a chance to think about it too much. Of course my sister was right and it was "impossible" to do entirely correctly on the first try, but I will keep working on it. It's short enough that I can fit it in right before bed and not stress too much about it.

And, except for the fact that I felt like a complete goon, I actually kind of enjoyed it. So I'll be doing it again.

Right now my plan is to do this workout 4x a week -- Mondays through Thursdays, the nights my husband works -- for the next six weeks. For the first two weeks, while I am still learning the positions and the working on getting my form correct, I will be doing it without the provided hand weights. No sense in holding dumbbells until I know I won't accidentally fling them through the television. For the two weeks after that, I will use the 1-lb. weights that came with the kit, and for the two weeks after that, I will "upgrade" to 2-lb. weights. (This is an off-label upgrade, but I am concerned about my flappy chicken arms, still and always.) We'll see where we are at that point.

I don't expect miraculous results, and in fact I expect that at the end of this, I will probably have to switch to something a little "harder-core," or at least something targeted for Pilates beginners and not complete nitwits like me. But I picked Pilates on purpose because it is low-intensity but still targeted at the "core," the abs and back. These are the areas that I most want to work on, especially if I want to buy regular jeans in a regular store. Gotta get looking a little less like Mrs. Potato Head in the midsection for that to happen.

This video had a nice cardio component as well, which I like. Start small, sure, but START. It was 22 minutes of elevated heart rate and heavy breathing, but without all the nasty sweat that I dislike so much. I'm sure that will come in time, as I figure out what I'm doing, but for now I am pleased with the start. I'm not going to look like Jillian Michaels after six weeks -- and honestly, I don't really want to -- but if my muffin has a little less top, I'll be happy with that.

12W12S11: Resolved

I don't really make New Year's resolutions any more because I tend not to keep them, which is why you haven't seen much about them this year. But just because I am not making resolutions, that does not mean that I can't keep setting goals for myself. (Yes, I know that sentence structure is nothing short of tortured, but since I didn't make any resolutions, you can't ding me for my failure to stop mangling the English language.)

I weighed myself this morning and I am officially back down to my pre-Christmas weight, plus I lost an additional ½ pound, so I'm going to go ahead and say that cutting myself some slack over the holiday weight gain was probably a good idea. I've had bigger things to deal with, anyway. But I need to get focused again, because I really, really want this trendline to get a lot steeper.

It's a good line so far; definitely movement in a downward direction. But when I originally started tracking my weight loss on Lose It, it said it was going to hit my goal weight of 135 lbs. around Labor Day, and now it's been adjusted to mid-October, and I don't want to drag it out any longer. Because we've scheduled our family vacation at the beach for the week of Labor Day, and I really want to be within 5 lbs. of that goal weight by then.

That's kind of a long-term goal, though, so I've given myself another one: I want to buy new jeans at the beginning of March, and when I do, I want to buy them at a regular store. And not just any store, either, but The Gap. This is my benchmark, my target, my personal Nirvana. I want to be able to walk into The Gap at the King of Prussia Mall and actually walk out with a pair of jeans.

I'm so serious about this that I actually bought an exercise video today. It might be a sign of the End Times, but I'm choosing to look at it as a sign of the New World Order. The one where I can shop at The Gap again. It's been a long time. I'm getting tired of waiting. I'm ready.

12W12S11: Sleepytime Snack

I don't know why "full-time" "professional" diet bloggers say you should regularly post pictures of what you're eating. I know only like three people read this particular sub-blog anyway, but I also eat a lot of the same stuff day after day -- e.g., for breakfast I either have yogurt-and-a-carb, oatmeal-with-dried-fruit, bread-product-with-cheese-and-meat, Egg Beaters, or cereal (plus additional fruit later in the morning) -- and I can't imagine anyone would want to look at pictures of the basic boring crap I eat all the time. I don't even want to look at it half the time. I just want to eat it.

But just in case you're interested, here's a picture of my bedtime snack for today:

(Not actual size.)

If you're keeping score at home, that's a cup of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Vanilla herbal tea (made with a splash of fat-free half-and-half and two packets of Splenda, because I am out of Equal, which I usually use) and a Stella D'oro Breakfast Treat (yes! they still make those! and they are still awesome!).

The reason why I am having this particular snack/dessert is because I am having a hard time getting on a regular "new" sleep schedule with my husband on his new shift, and ... well, let's be completely honest. My SAD is back and I really probably ought to take something for the standard garden-variety depression that I have all the time anyway but I don't like what some SSRI's do to me (flat affect, weight gain, restful but not restorative sleep, diminished libido) and I'm scared of herbal remedies because with my luck I'll end up taking valerian root pills that have been tainted with lead and PCP and rat poison and tapeworm larvae and crystal meth or something, and then where would I be?

So I'm going the herbal tea-and-crumpet route. Because even if it doesn't work at helping me sleep, at least it's a nice little treat. I highly recommend the vanilla Sleepytime Tea -- it's lovely with that little bit of milk in there, but I like most of my tea with milk anyway.

I understand the Benadryl I took should help, too.

(Incidentally ... I am also going to try the Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea tomorrow at work, to see if it helps me handle work stress any better. Worst case scenario is that it will do nothing, and I'm out $2.29, but I see that the blend has catnip in it, so if drinking it doesn't work at first, I might try smoking it. I mean, seriously, we give our cats 'nip all the time, and they are the least-stressed beings on the planet.)

12W12S11: In the Night Kitchen

My husband is working nights four days a week now, so we've switched up our schedule and now I'm the one who picks up Shae at school and makes dinner. And even though I probably shouldn't admit this out loud due to the principle of "careful what you wish for" -- I kind of prefer it this way.

He's a perfectly respectable cook -- he makes some of the best Tuna Helper I've ever eaten -- but he's an engineer, which kind of means that he can't really make a meal without directions. This is not always a problem, because a lot of what we eat for dinner is simple enough, but I'm the one who likes to whip up concoctions in the kitchen.

I will not claim that I am a chef by any stretch of the imagination -- my skills are barely passable on my very best day, and my knife work is atrocious -- but if you've seen any of the recipes I've posted before, what I lack in a traditional culinary background, I more than make up for with cleverness.

And, let's face it, a decent palate. I didn't get to looking like I do without enjoying food, you know?

The point of all this is, when I whip up something I am particularly proud or fond of, I'll tell you here. And tonight was one of those nights. For dinner we had:

• chicken sausage, flavored with spinach and feta cheese
• "super pasta," made with whole grains, extra protein, and omega-3 acids
• sauce made from canned diced tomatoes with sautéed spinach and minced onion
• sautéed zucchini and onion with balsamic vinaigrette glaze

Not too shabby for someone who thinks Tom Colicchio is kind of a tool, no?

12W12S11: Back In Business

I gained 6½ pounds over the holidays.

There, I said it. And now I'm over it.

In fact, I'm so over it that I'm already down three pounds from my "highest" weight from "Christmas break" -- and that's after I had honey-mustard ham, three-cheese scalloped potatoes with bacon and chives, and California blend vegetables for supper.

I'm not going to lie: I basically acted like I wasn't on a diet for the last two weeks. I guess technically it's safe to say that I wasn't, not really. I ate whatever the hell I wanted to -- shrimp, hot roasted-red-pepper-and-Asiago-cheese with crackers, Five Guys bacon cheeseburgers, candy-coated apples, cookies, Fluffernutters, Belgian chocolates, white Russians, wine coolers, all of it. Practically a bender.

And it was awesome.

Now it's the first Monday of January, the beginning of a new week, a new month, a new year. People all around me are making their resolutions, their promises to themselves to lose 15 pounds or work out five days a week or eliminate carbs from their diets, and I ...

... I'm already light-years ahead of them, because I already lost that 15 pounds. Yes, I have a lot more to go, but I've been doing great so far. And I know it. I gained those 6½ pounds over Christmas, and I can still button those size 16 pants. SIZE 16. That is the smallest size I've been in as long as I can remember. I am four sizes smaller than I was when I started.

I'm not making any weight-loss resolutions, because I don't keep them, but I am saying this: by Valentine's Day this year, I'll be able to buy pants in the "regular" section of a department store. That's not a goal, that's a deal I made with myself.

I'm back in business, and ain't it grand? Let the good times roll.