Calendars: FINIS

Last two pages until we get to start this whole rodeo over again next year.

September 2011. From the day we went apple-picking. Which was actually October. But Shae was still wearing her bathing suit for much of September, and none of the pictures looked right. And there's actually only one actual picture of her with an apple. Whatever. Shut up. Don't you judge me.

June 2011. You might remember some of these elements and this exact color scheme from previous scrapping projects that I did last year. That's what super-nice about digital scrapbooking -- you can reuse these things if it turns out that your kid has an orange bathing suit two or more summers in a row.

Whee hoo! Now I can start drinking!

Calendars: But Wait! There's Even MORE!

Three more months done, two more left to go (June and September for the Cupcake Calendar -- and if anyone can tell me why in the hell I skipped those months but got others done in time, then I might have a job for you as my personal assistant-slash-live-my-lifer-because-I-DON'T-WANT-TO-BE-THIS-PERSON-ANYMORE!).

Alternate Caption: "Buncha Turkeys." Saving that one for next year, when there are THREE kids to incorporate into this calendar.

There is probably a reason why there is no word art on this page, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what that reason is. I like it anyway, so fuck it.

I did not intentionally decorate my tree to match this layout page -- I didn't even know I had these pieces anywhere -- but it turned out to be an awfully convenient coincidence. Score one for the Universe.

I'll put the rest up tomorrow when I have them done. Looks like I might actually make the Shutterfly cutoffs for B.O.G.O. and free shipping (for the Cousins Calendar, at least, so that's something), whee! Apparently I actually DO do good work under excruciatingly tight deadline pressure. (Passable work, anyway.)

Calendars: More!

Two more months done! One more month for the Cousins Calendar to go, and four for the Cupcake Calendar. It's GO TIME! If I can get these finished by midnight on 12/16 I can get free shipping PLUS buy-one-get-one-half-off at Shutterfly. And I need to order six calendars, which I going to end up costing me elebenty bajillion dollars. Or lira. I don't even know what currency they're using on the Intarwebs these days.

May 2011 - Inspired by "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles," which I have never actually seen (sssh! don't tell anyone!)

March 2011 - Inspired by, I don't know, Conan O'Brien and Lucky Charms or something

Calendars: So Close and Yet So Far

I still have to do three months of the Cousins Calendar and four months of the Cupcake Calendar, but I managed to get two pages done last night and one last week but I forgot to put it up, so here are the latest:

Two Halloweens, one Christmahannukwanzaakah, and a partridge in a pear tree.

12W12SP2 Update: Skinny Lasagna

We felt like having lasagna for dinner yesterday, but I didn't want to starve the rest of the day, so I used what we had in the freezer and cupboards plus a couple of strategic additions to come up with this magical concoction that satisfied all our cravings and still didn't break the calorie bank. (This recipe is adapted from a basic meat lasagna recipe that I got off the back of a box of pasta about 200 years ago.)


Skinny Lasagna

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• ½ pound ground turkey breast
• 1 small-to-medium zucchini, diced
• 1 small-to-medium yellow onion, diced
• Italian seasonings (or basil, oregano, and garlic powder), to taste
• 1 cup frozen chopped spinach
• 9 lasagna noodles (regular, not no-boil)
• 2 containers (15 ounces each) fat-free ricotta cheese
• 2 cups reduced fat (2%) shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
• ¼ cup (12 tablespoons) shredded Parmesan cheese, divided
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 1 egg
• 1 jar pasta sauce

1. Heat oil in large skillet over medium-high heat. Add turkey, zucchini, onion, and Italian seasonings. Cook over medium-high head until turkey is cooked through and vegetables are soft. Add spinach and cook another 3-5 minutes or until spinach is thoroughly heated. Remove from heat and set aside to cool slightly.
2. Meanwhile, cook lasagna noodles according to package directions. Drain and rinse with cold water until cool enough to handle. Pat dry with paper towels.
3. Preheat oven to 375°F.
4. In a large mixing bowl, combine ricotta cheese, 1 cup mozzarella cheese, and 6 tablespoons Parmesan cheese. Add cooled turkey mixture. Stir to combine well. Check seasoning and add salt, pepper, and additional Italian seasonings if required. Add egg and stir to combine well.
5. Pour about ½ cup pasta sauce into the bottom of a large (13"x9") baking dish. Spread with the back of a spoon to cover the bottom of the pan. Arrange 3 cooked noodles. Add half of turkey-and-cheese mixture and spread evenly over noodles. Cover with ½ to 1 cup pasta sauce, spreading to cover filling. Sprinkle ⅓ cup mozzarella and 2 tablespoons Parmesan over sauce. Add 3 more noodles and repeat layers. when last 3 noodles have been added, cover well with sauce and sprinkle with remaining cheeses.
6. Cover with foil and bake at 375°F for 35-45 minutes. Remove foil and bake for an additional 10-15 minutes or until top layer of cheese is browned. Let sit for 5-10 minutes before serving.

Total cooking time is about 1½ hours. Makes 9-12 servings, depending on who's eating and how hungry they are. By my math, for 9 servings, each serving has about 350 calories (less if you use a lower-calorie sauce, but I just used regular old Ragú Mama's Special Garden Sauce, which is our favorite). Even better? Each slab of lasagna has about 2 servings of vegetables (from the sauce, the zucchini, the spinach, and the onion). You can add shredded carrots and/or chopped red bell peppers if you want. It's only two layers instead of the more traditional three, but there is no less filling, only slightly less pasta. And it really has something in there for everybody: meat for the guys, veggies for the gals, and plenty of oozy cheesy goodness for the kids. Pair with a side salad AND a nice slice of multigrain baguette, because you CAN. Reheats well, and my husband is taking leftovers for lunch voluntarily, so you have his seal of approval.


Enjoy!

12W12SP2 Update: 40 lbs. and Holding

If my scale is correct -- and while I think my scale is a vicious, evil monster incapable of being nice to anyone, I still have no reason to doubt its accuracy -- then I have officially been down 40 lbs. (unofficially somewhere around 60 lbs.) for the last two weeks. No major progress, no additional loss, but no gain, either -- and since I know how much I ate over Thanksgiving, I will count this as a solid tie and not fret too much about it.

Although, it's possible my scale could be wrong. My "skinny jeans" which are about 6 weeks old are getting baggy in the hips and butt, and are already baggy in the legs, so evidently something is going on south of the equator, as it were. Basically every single pair of pants I own is too big in some way and desperately unflattering (except the jeans, which still look good, for now anyway). I don't even want to talk about my tops; I have only bought two or three new ones, and I don't want to discuss how counterproductive it probably is to be wearing sweaters that are gigantic and boxy when I am actively dieting.

WHATEVER. This is me. I'll deal. And hopefully I will inch forward a little more, right myself, get re-energized.

I also have to get to work on the 2011 Cousins and Cupcake Calendars, because I have about 9 months left to do, and I'm getting close to deadline. And the new World of Warcraft expansion comes out in just FIVE DAYS, so I'll have to make time this weekend.

12W12S2P Update: Test Run

We had our annual Turkey Feast at work today, and I used it as a gauge to try to plan my "attack" for Thanksgiving day. This is what I ended up eating:

• 3 ounces white meat turkey
• 2 tablespoons gravy
• ½ cup mashed potatoes
• ½ cup stuffing
• ½ cup triple-squash soup
• 1 spinach roll (roll with spinach, onions, and cheese)
• ½ cup green beans
• 2 tablespoons light pumpkin dip*
• 2 Danish butter cookies
• 2 spice wafer cookies

All told, LoseIt says that's approximately 700 calories of food. That's kind of a lot, more than half my calories for the day, and I want to do better for Thanksgiving. I know that I will have more vegetable options on the Big Day -- there were not a lot of plain, unbecasseroled vegetables available today, since 50% of the covered dish contributions were desserts. Our family dinner always includes broccoli, and I have no qualms about helping myself to half a plate of broccoli. I may also make some veggies of my own, just to make sure there are enough, since I know I won't be the only person at the table who is trying to be careful.

Here is my plan so far: same amount of turkey and gravy, no mashed potatoes, same amount of stuffing (because my Uncle Quack makes some damn fine stuffing), half a dinner roll (although I will tell you right now that the spinach roll was worth the indulgence), way more vegetables (including V8, which is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED for me to feel like I have had a complete Thanksgiving meal), and only a little bit of dessert. I am planning to make a lemon custard pie that is a Weight Watchers recipe that only has like 2 points per serving. Although I keep insisting that I am not doing a low-carb diet, per se, I will admit that cutting back on starchy foods does seem to be an easy way to stay on target.

The other accommodations I have made today? Small breakfast (oatmeal with raisins) and small dinner (probably a can of soup, and some whole-grain bread if I have enough calories). Lots of water and Diet Coke. And an early bedtime.

=====

For like the last three years I have been making pumpkin dip for our Turkey Feast, because it is DELICIOUS, but it's also sort of high in calories because it is basically a bowl of creamed sugar. So I made it a slightly different way today, made it "lighter," and it was just as good, maybe even better because the flavorings were a little richer. If you will be at my sister's baby shower, you'll be eating this recipe.

• 15 ounce can pure pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling)
• small package of sugar-free instant vanilla pudding mix
• small package of sugar-free instant cheesecake-flavored pudding mix
• 1 teaspoon (or so) pumpkin pie spice
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 16 ounces fat-free Cool Whip

In a large bowl, beat together pumpkin, pudding mixes, spices, and vanilla with a hand mixer until well-blended, uniform in color, and fluffy. Add half the Cool Whip and beat on medium-high speed for two minutes. Add remaining Cool Whip and beat on high speed for another two minutes. Adjust seasonings if necessary. Turn out into a serving bowl. Cover and refrigerate overnight. Serve with graham crackers, spice wafers, or cookies. (Or, if you are me, eat straight out of the bowl with a spoon.) Approximately 30 calories per 2 tablespoon serving.

12W12S2P Update: Oh Shut Up Already

I've been really bad in the last month or so, if you define bad in the same way that I do, which is actually being hungry and eating something.

Since I started this diet-or-whatever back in May, I've probably cut my calorie consumption in half, or close to it, anyway. Right now I get 1,353 calories a day on my plan, and I figure I was probably around 2,300-2,500 per day before I started. That is not an insignificant change.

Most of the time, I am fine with this, but lately I've been allowing myself "undocumented" treats, like an extra cookie here or there, and clearly it is adding up, because I am not losing weight as quickly any more. And I am getting frustrated, and allowing for more "undocumented" treats, which blah blah blah -- you know the drill.

I don't stop the emotional eating, even after all this time and all this (relative) discipline, is what I am saying.

Now we're getting into what is probably the worst time of the year for a dieter: the dreaded Holidays. Thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK. Christmas is exactly a month after that, with New Year's right behind. Between now and then, I have one office Turkey Feast (this Wednesday), one World's Second Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (night before Thanksgiving), Thanksgiving itself (which I usually celebrate twice, once in the early afternoon and again in the evening), a baby shower for my sister (Saturday after Thanksgiving), the annual Haldaman Christmas party, Christmas, New Year's Eve, plus whatever we happen to do at the office. That list doesn't even include a retirement dinner for my dad, which we are hoping to celebrate while my sister and her family are in town from Chicago.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to handle this, so that I can allow myself to have a good time at these parties without starving myself the rest of the time, and still keep losing (or, at least, not gaining). I can't eat nothing but broccoli at Thanksgiving dinner. I can't eat nothing but salad the rest of the time (especially not when that salad is made with oh-so-yummy and also oh-so-fattening hot bacon dressing). I am hoping to get in some extra exercise over parts of the holiday period, but I don't know if it will be enough to counter-balance the plate full of carbs and turkey skin that I normally eat for Thanksgiving dinner (stuffing, mashed potatoes, rolls -- and sorry, but a nice crispy skin is the best part of the turkey).

AND OH MY GOD I WANT SOME PIE.

But mostly I want to find the place in my head where I can tell myself that it's okay to have an "off" week once in a while. I've been on this diet and doing pretty well since the beginning of May. Six months. I've unofficially lost somewhere between fifty and sixty pounds (officially, 37½ lbs.). I am entitled to a treat, and I know this. Rewards and positive reinforcement are good motivators. But I don't know how or where to draw the line between "occasional treat" and "unearned entitlement." And I don't know how to turn off the part of my brain that keeps saying that a week of zero loss and zero gain makes me a complete and utter failure and I should just go drown myself in a gallon of ice cream, or worse: I should never be allowed to eat again.

And I really need to figure out how I can fit some pie in there, while I'm at it.

12W12S2P Update: Hanging In

Lost another 2½ pounds since the last time I weighed in (last weekend, maybe), which is pretty impressive because I also have PMS. (I always get that special combination of bloating and constipation when I have PMS, which makes weighing in especially ... special.)

That is the single weirdest thing about this diet, so far: I am now getting regular periods. WTF? I have never gotten regular periods in my whole life, except when I was on the bill. I once went almost A WHOLE YEAR between periods. That is one thing I could have probably done without, but oh well. Since June or July, I have gotten my period every month. I only had maybe five periods in all of the last year prior to that.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THESE THINGS, STAY OFF THE INTERNET. LULZ.

Anyway ... it's getting cold and when it gets cold I like to eat heavy, rich, warm foods. So tonight we are having chicken enchiladas (or, as we like to call them for reasons that we don't even know any more, "chicky-itchy-llamas"). Except we're making them with turkey. Our recipe comes basically from the back of a can of Old El Paso enchilada sauce, the red kind (so I won't reprint here due to copyright issues, because I am not Cooks Source magazine), but we do make the following changes:

• Only use one can of sauce (yields 6 enchiladas, instead of 12)
• Ground turkey or chicken, instead of ground beef
• When browning meat, add ½ cup or so of diced onion
• Use low-fat or fat-free cheese
• Serve with a little bit of nonfat sour cream

Try it sometime. You'll really like them! By my math, using this recipe, there are about 210 calories per enchilada (variable depending on the leanness of your meat and the calories in your tortillas and cheese). And I usually eat 2 enchiladas, plus a little bit of rice and a little bit of beans? About 600 calories of LOCO BUENO. (We have ours with fat-free refried beans and Spanish/Mexican/taco rice.)

12W12S2P Update: Red October

HOLA, LOVERS! (Yes, that was a shout-out to the Jennifer Lopez-tagged posts from Go Fug Yourself -- go check them out if you love making fun of J-Lo and her highly suspect and questionable fashion choices, as I do. Because La Lopez? Totally dresses like a VERY EXPENSIVE, VERY CRAZY PERSON.)

Anyway. Been quiet for the last week and a half. Sorry about that. Right now I am still at my last recorded weight: 227. (Cue Marla Gibbs singing the theme song from that old sitcom.) Over the weekend I was unable to get an accurate weight because, once again, I had "tummy trouble."

Right now I am tired and stressed out and I have been grazing all day long. I didn't document the pita chips or the couple of spoonfuls of mac & cheese I ate, and I think I'm not going to. I am just going to work on not doing that any more. We have plateaus from time to time; I can't let this send me off the rails.

Hopefully when I weigh in this weekend I will have at least a 1-pound loss, to get me back into a losing state of mind. I know I haven't gained anything back -- at least, I don't think so -- but I really want to get back on the pace of losing 2 lbs. per week, like I was. I've only lost three pounds in the last three weeks and it's starting to get into my head.

Obliviously on, I shall sail ...

12W12S2P Update: Skinny Jeans

Lost 3 lbs. in the past two weeks -- a little off pace, but since I had PMS, I'll take it. I also bought some "skinny jeans" over the weekend, which is a big milestone for me.

This week I'm trying something new at lunch: sandwiches (which is code for "we didn't go to the store this weekend and I didn't want to stand in front of the Lean Cuisine bunker at Giant when I was already running late for getting dinner on the table"). Picked up some 7-grain light bread and some lunch meat. We'll see how it goes.

Also: it's almost Halloween! Which means I will be eating the crap out of some Frankenberry and Boo Berry cereal for the next couple of weeks. I love being on a diet where this is allowed.

12W12S2P Update: Update

Something I forgot to mention yesterday: my daily calorie budget is now 1,402. That's fourteen hundred and two. That extra two on the end seems kind of random, like someone actually looked at the number and went "hahaha, let's add a couple so we don't freak anyone out." When I started using LoseIt! I was allowed close to 1,600 calories a day, and if I lose even one more pound I will be under 1,400 calories a day, which seems like it's just crazy.

But here we are, anyway. People are asking me how I am doing this, and I am only half joking when I say, "Starvation." Of course I am not really starving, not really, but some days it feels like it. Some days I have to really talk myself out of eating tortilla chips, lest I be unable to stop myself from eating the entire bag. "Close my eyes and think of England," as they say in certain other circumstances. (Go Google it.)

To adjust for the reduction in calories, I have made one small adjustment to my current plan. For the past few weeks I have been eating Lean Cuisine-type entrées for lunch with 300 calories or fewer -- I have changed that to be 250 calories or fewer. So now the basic idea is 300/350/600 with whatever is left for snacks. I don't really want to go any lower at breakfast -- it is the most important meal of the day, after all -- and I won't be able to get much smaller at lunch, so dinner will be the next place to face cuts.

And I will tell you right now: I will give up meat entirely before I give up my mashed potatoes. Most days I am down to around ½ cup of "carbs" (starchy sides) at dinner time and I am okay with that, so meat is the next logical place to make cuts. I really don't want to give up my afternoon snack or my dessert (and I am afraid that a popsicle just won't cut it -- I need something sweet and heavy, like cookies or ice cream), so meat is next. We'll see.

By the by -- if you're reading this, and you use LoseIt! (you can now update online without the iPhone app), and you want to be my friend, let me know. This is working for me, and I want to provide as much support for others as I can. Join me!

PS -- Those technical difficultiesfrom the other week? Constipation. Done now. No worries.

12W12S2P Update: Mashed Potatoes

Down 30 officially, and close to 50 unofficially. Nothing fits, not even my socks. I give the hell up.

Now we're getting to the time of year when the weather wreaks havoc on a diet -- fall. It's getting cool and all I want to eat is potatoes, and then sleep for weeks at a time. Heavy foods: pot roast, pumpkin pie, cream-based soups. Don't know anyone who thinks a salad is filling in cool weather. I caved in today, a little bit, and made meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner. More calories than I usually eat for the starchy side, but they were damned good; here is the recipe I used.



Lighter Garlic Parmesan Mashed Potatoes

• 2 medium red-skinned potatoes
• 2 small Yukon gold potatoes
• 4 medium-to-large cloves garlic
• salt, for boiling water
• 1 tablespoon butter
• ½ cup fat-free half-and-half
• ¼ cup shredded Parmesan cheese
• pepper and/or dried chives, to taste

Peel potatoes (leave as much skin as desired). Cut into 1" cubes. Peel garlic. Add potatoes and water to saucepan. Add water and salt to taste. Boil until potatoes fall apart when stirred. Drain. Add butter to pan, then return cooked potatoes to pan. Add half-and-half and Parmesan cheese and mash by hand to desired consistency. Season with pepper and chives; stir and serve.

Makes about 2 cups of mashed potatoes, with about 160 calories per ½ cup.


Honestly, delicious. And it satisfied the craving I was having. Also, we made the meatloaf with turkey, and we're having it again tomorrow with gravy and egg noodles. So we're multitasking, whee!

Calendars - April and September 2011

Because I need to do SOMETHING while I'm watching mah stories.

Cupcake Calendar - April 2011

Cousins Calendar - September 2011

12W12S2P Update: Pending

Can't give you a weight loss update at this point because I can't get an accurate reading right now -- let's just say "technical difficulties" and leave it at that. Instead I will give you the recipe for what we had for dinner tonight and hope it is sufficient for now.


Skinny Stuffed Shells

• 15 jumbo shells
• 15 ounces fat-free ricotta cheese
• 1 cup shredded 2% milk mozzarella cheese
• ¼ cup shredded Parmesan or Romano cheese
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1 cup frozen chopped spinach, thawed
• ¼ cup shredded carrots (optional)
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 1 egg, lightly beaten
• 26 ounces (1 jar) pasta sauce

Cook shells according to package directions. Drain, rinse under cold running water, and drain again thoroughly. Preheat oven to 350°F. In a bowl, combine cheeses, garlic, spinach, carrots, salt, pepper, and egg. Mix to combine thoroughly. Spray a 9"x13" baking dish with cooking spray and coat the bottom with 1 cup of sauce. Fill cooked pasta shells with equal parts filling and arrange in bottom of baking dish. Pour remaining sauce over stuffed shells (and sprinkle additional shredded cheese on top, if desired). Loosely cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Remove foil and bake for another 20-30 minutes or until heated through.

Makes 15 shells. Approximately 115 calories per shell. Average serving = 3 shells (350 calories). [Edited because I can't do math!]



Balsamic Roasted Squash

• 1 medium zucchini, sliced
• 1 yellow summer squash, sliced
• 1 red bell pepper, sliced
• salt and pepper, to taste
• ½ tablespoon olive oil
• ½ tablespoon balsamic vinegar

Preheat oven to 350°F. Spray a roasting dish with cooking spray. Add vegetable slices. Season with salt and pepper, and drizzle with oil and vinegar. Toss well to coat. Cover and cook for 30 minutes. Uncover, stir well, and cook uncovered for another 20-30 minutes or until cooked through and slightly browned. If desired, sprinkle with shredded Parmesan or Romano cheese and place under broiler for 3-5 minutes or until browned to your like.

Makes about 4 cups. Approximately 40 calories per cup.

Calendars - August 2011

Oh, yeah. THESE.

Just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean I haven't been WORKING. (And I'm still only halfway ... eesh.)

12W12S2P Update: "Can't" Is A Four-Letter Word

I have complained before about Weight Watchers, and how I basically hate it, even though I know it is a program that works for a lot of people, including me at one point. But it's really hard for me to get behind a corporation, part of the diet-and-fitness-industrial-complex, that makes money by featuring an Academy Award winner in a commercial whose tagline is, essentially:


"Before Weight Watchers, my whole world was 'can't.'"


Other people have put this better than I could -- see here -- but I think it's worth mentioning just the same. I went on this dumb diet for my own reasons, which even I don't know, but I assure you that nothing about me will be different when I'm finished except my bra size. I don't actually feel any better about myself, because not eating doesn't fix self-esteem problems that had nothing to do with the number on the scale in the first place. I've admitted that I'm probably more neurotic now, more self-conscious, than I have been in a long time, because people are noticing me now, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't think that wearing a single-digit pant size is going to magically repair all the damage that 36 years of living my own crazy life has caused.


The article I link to comes off, a little bit, as bashing Jennifer Hudson, which is not the writer's intent, I don't think. But I do agree with her that it is not a big leap to watch the commercial and think, "Really? Your 'whole world was "can't?"' Really? The Oscar, the Grammy, the baby, all of that? Was 'can't?'" I nodded my head when I read, "Weight Watchers wants us all to believe that there is no such thing as success or happiness unless you’re thin." Because I believe that it's true. The weight-loss industry does not make billions of dollars a year by basing its business plan on people loving themselves at any size.


Sometimes, like now, the mixed messages make me want to cry. One of the biggest reasons why I wanted to make a lifestyle change in the first place was to set a good example for my daughter: eat healthy, move healthy, be healthy, the way we want her to be. But if she sees me measuring rice and counting pistachios and eating only a sandwich for dinner while everyone else is eating pork chops, what is that telling her? Is it telling her the same thing that it tells me -- that it doesn't matter what we do, because someone will find a reason to find us inadequate in some way? Too tall, too thin, too curly-headed? Too short, too fat, too poker-straight?


What do you do when your three-year-old asks you, "Why?" and you don't answer, because you can't?

12W12S2P Update: -26

I lost another three pounds this week, for a total "official" loss of 26 lbs., with under 100 lbs. to go until I get to my goal weight. Just under 100 lbs. -- 99, to be exact -- but still. I guess this means I'm 20% of the way to my "official" goal weight ("official" being in quotes because I've actually lost more than that, but I haven't been keeping track this whole time).

Ninety-nine pounds to go is still a big scary number, but it's double digits, so I'll take it.

Today I am celebrating by having the biggest dessert I've had since I started: a slice Edwards Crème Pie with Reese's. And let me tell you: those 350 calories are going to be WORTH IT.

Thanks for joining me on this journey, by the way. I still have a long way to go, so I hope I don't bore you too much.

12W12S2P Update: STFU, N00bz

Two more pounds down this week. Officially down 23 lbs., unofficially down at least 40 lbs. I had to give up my one major indulgence, my Mountain Dew, my tiny little baby can of Mountain Dew, to get this far, but it was either that, or give up dessert after dinner, and I decided that I love ice cream sandwiches too much. A real Sophie's choice, that: soda or dessert? I've cast my lot in with the Dairy Gods. I hope they don't let me down.

I'm getting to a point now where I have to give in and buy new clothes, because everything is too big and too saggy and too long and too baggy, but I am hoping that I can hold on for a little while longer. There are some sweaters in my closet that I think I can make work, and sweater season isn't too far off. Pants are an ongoing problem -- I still have a jelly-belly, but no so much with the thunder thighs any more, yet I have to get a bigger size pants than I actually "need" so I can get them buttoned. I keep digging in the closet, hoping for hidden treasures.

People at work are starting to notice, starting to talk, and it's making me feel paranoid and ugly. To my face they are complimentary, but their eyes are dead and cold, or worse: angry, hot, vicious. I see them watching me, analyzing everything I eat, judging my choices. Especially on Wednesdays, when I allow myself a "splurge" for breakfast, usually two frozen waffles or pancakes, with low-calorie syrup and turkey breakfast sausage. There are a lot of Weight Watchers here, and they are using a different math than I am to count. I can tell what they are thinking: How is that diet food? I thought the same thing, myself, not all that long ago.

I can hear the whispers, too: She spends a lot of time in the bathroom. Maybe I am hypersensitive, but I get the implication. People think I have an eating disorder, probably bulimia. Never mind that I don't, that no one has ever seen or heard me do what they are suggesting that they think I do. They wonder why I can eat waffles for breakfast and still keep losing, while they eat popcorn for every meal and don't. The Weight Watchers have been grumbling. Losses are slow for them now. Some of them have stopped losing all together. But I have not, so it must be me who is doing something unseemly or untoward or unfair. They think I am cheating.

No, I am not cheating. I am just drinking a lot of water, so I have to pee a lot. Throwing up is gross. Seriously.

My heart hurts when I think about it, and my head pounds, and I want to tell them all to shut up and mind their own damn business. This thing I am doing, this lifestyle change, this is HARD WORK. It's really, really hard. Especially for an emotional eater whose peaks and valleys in appetite levels have much to do with feelings and fatigue. I spend a part of every day stressed out, and so I spend a part of every day hungry. I must pass a hundred restaurants when I am driving home from work, and I can smell every molecule of deliciousness that they are serving. Chinese food, Mexican, steaks, pasta, white sauce, butter, fresh baked rolls with olive oil and rosemary. Some days are worse than others, when I need to exercise every ounce of self-control that I have to not pull off the road at the next exit and stop at the first place I see and just chow down until I explode.

And some days are worse than that, even: some days, I don't want to eat anything at all, just to show these bitches that I can, just to piss them off, just to be petty and spiteful, just to make them feel as ugly as they make me feel. Sometimes I feel like I can survive the day by doing nothing but smelling other people's food. These are the days that make me wonder -- do I have a problem? Do I really have some kind of disorder, maybe one that does not have a name yet? Probably I do. Probably we all do, a little bit. How we handle our disorders is more important than the disorders themselves, though.

Of course I want to say that it doesn't bother me, but obviously it does. The superficiality of all of it is disgusting, frankly. I am not trying to change anything about myself except how I look. Who I am is fundamentally not changing. Why should the rest of me change? There is nothing wrong with who I am. Do other people change their personalities when they change their dress size? Do people think that I am so terrible a person that when I lose more weight the demon inside will surface and slay them all? Why? That doesn't make any sense.

Although, neither does eating popcorn for every meal and expecting to lose 20 lbs. overnight. So I suppose none of this should surprise me.

12W12S2P Update: 21 Down

As of my weigh-in this morning, I am officially down 21 lbs., and unofficially I think the total is 40 lbs. I'm going to celebrate by having a Dorito today, and I might maybe buy a hunk of some sexy cheese at Wegman's and share it at my uncle's Labor Day picnic today.

Some things I have learned that I can't live without on this diet:

• Frozen chopped spinach -- yes, I know fresh is better, but a 1-lb. bag of frozen chopped spinach lasts me a month or more. I throw a handful in with my Egg Beaters, and I throw a couple of handfuls in with spaghetti sauce. Doesn't add much to the flavor but there's lots of iron, it adds color, and it's a nice little shot of extra veggies.
• Egg Beaters -- I'm using the Garden Veggie flavor now, but Cheese and Chive is also very tasty. I used to eat two eggs every morning on the weekends, but ½ cup of Egg Beaters is approximately the same amount of food, and it has fewer calories than one whole egg. Which means more calories available for meat and cheese and delicious, delicious English muffins.
• Sweetened dried cranberries -- I'm not a huge fan or plain Wheaties or corn flakes, but 1½-2 tablespoons of these bad boys really help. And they are delicious mixed in with raisin bran, too.
• Pistachios -- I'm getting to the point where I don't have a whole lot of calories left for snacks, but these suckers are worth it. My favorite kind? Everybody's Nuts European Roast.

Not sure what I'm going to change up this week. Hopefully this weekend I can get in some decent exercise (I will be swimming three days in a row, whee!), so maybe I won't have to think about it for a few days.