12W12S11: Suckitude

The last week and a half has sucked, and I have sucked at the last week and a half.

For starters, I went and put myself on that exercise regimen, which I absolutely did not adhere to for the entire week last week. I've been great about the vitamins, but I only actually managed to exercise three out of five days last week, and even then, I did not do everything I expected. I had an appointment with my chiropractor on Tuesday last week, and he recommended that I not exercise for 12 hours after my adjustment, so on Tuesday, following his advice, I took the night off. I did my scheduled workout on Monday and Wednesday, and on Thursday I did the cardio and arms, so I got at least 25 minutes of exercise on those three days.

On Friday, we went to out for fish fry (it being Lent and all -- I don't give anything up for Lent, really, but I do stick to the no-meat-on-Fridays rule, because I have intense Catholic guilt otherwise, which is comical because I don't go to church) and then met friends for ice cream. I had coconut custard ice cream, full fat and sugar, I'm sure, and it completely rocked my world. We came home and I pretty much went right to bed.

Over the weekend I did get in a lot of walking while we were clothes shopping and grocery shopping, so I fully met my "free exercise" quota (I was hoping to get in at least 60 minutes per weekend, and I did about 3 hours). But I also had PMS last week, and I overindulged on the little "treats" that I allow myself to "sneak" every day -- like, it is entirely unnecessary for anyone to eat an entire box of Triscuits in one sitting. On the other hand: fiber. I could do worse than Triscuits, I suppose.

I have also been very, very tired and very, very hungry, in part because of the PMS, but also in part because of the time change, in part I am just not getting enough sleep, and in part I think because of the exercising. I know it's not a whole lot of exercise that I am doing, but I'm sure the cardio in particular is doing things to my metabolism. Good things, no doubt, but I need to be better about controlling those urges to snack, especially after a workout.

Also: nobody needs to eat Reese's Pieces for breakfast, even if they are damned good.

So it probably goes without saying that I did not lose any weight last week, but I will not get discouraged. I think I might be over-extending my own abilities with the workout plan, but I'm going to try to stick to it as much as possible. Here are my revised goals for the week:

• I will do the cardio four days a week, and I will do the 8-minute arms. If I feel up to it, I will do an ab or leg routine, but I will accept that cardio and arms is a good start.
• I will prepare a post-exercise snack of either a protein bar or a granola bar and string cheese, and I will do everything in my power to have nothing else but water. No sense in doing all this hard work only to blow it all with late-night snacks.
• I will get myself to bed at a more reasonable time every night. There is no reason in the world why I should be up until 11:00, or even until 10:30. I do better when I get enough rest.
• I will continue to remember that I am making a whole hell of a lot of progress here, and I will try to remember that every potential setback is also a potential opportunity to do better. I should not hang myself up on what hasn't happened, but on what already has.

I know I sound a bit like Stuart Smalley here, but affirmations work, and I need reminding that I am doing good work here. So: enough with the suckitude. Back to the good work.

12W12SP2 Update: Regimen

Y'all aren't going to believe this, but I've gone and put myself on a regimen.

I barely believe it myself, but it's true.

I've been thinking a lot, almost obsessively sometimes, about how I've stopped losing weight at the expected pace, and how my body is changing, and how I am not happy about all of the changes, and how maybe I don't really need those 10 M&M's I treat myself to when I am feeling a little eleven-o'clock-ish, and how it looks like it's going to be maybe another year before I get to my goal weight, and how maybe I'll never get there, and how maybe I can still get pretty close, and how it turned into 1:00 already and I still haven't finished my breakfast, and how I really wish I could shut up my brain sometimes and just be still and stop stressing ...

... and there it is. STRESS.

My chiropractor helped me make the decision, really. I had to have an extra visit last month because I have this thing going on where my hip is being all wonky. Not sore, not exactly, but stiff sometimes. Difficult. Most of the time it's fine, but sometimes when I am doing my cardio Pilates I can't do the moves quite right because my hip won't cooperate. And my chiropractor told me: "It's stress. Every change you make to your body is stressful. Some stress is good, and some is bad, but it's all stress, and you need to deal with it."

So I am. I put together a target exercise plan for the next four weeks, exercise every weekday, even Fridays, which I will stick to if it kills me, and it just might, because when my husband sees me working out for the first time, he will start laughing and then I will start laughing and then I will end up hyperventilating, but anyway, here is my exercise schedule (click to embiggen):

And based on feedback from both my chiropractor and Dr. Oz (as reported in First for Women, which I can't link to, and I can't find a direct link to this info on Dr. Oz's website either, but here is a pretty good summation), as well as general common sense, I am also taking the following vitamins:

• VitaFusion Gummy Vites (multivitamin), 2 gummies in the morning
• VitaFusion Fiber Gummies, 2 gummies in the morning (I take the weight management kind)
• Emergen-C Tangerine, 1 packet in water at lunchtime (click the link! free samples!)
• Trader Joe's Omega-3 Fatty Acids, 1200 mg fish oil, odorless, 1 gelcap at lunchtime (can't find direct link, sorry)

I'll let you know how everything turns out. Or if I turn into a goldfish.

12W12S2P: Under

As of my weigh-in yesterday morning, I now weigh 199.5 lbs. This is the first time that I have weighed under 200 lbs. in at least 5 years, and possibly in ten. This is, to put it mildly, a Big Damn Deal.

And I'm still not particularly happy about it.

Right now I am just not keeping up the pace I think I should be -- the LoseIt! plan I am following is the 2-pound-a-week plan. It is telling me I should be eating 1,202 calories per day or less, and even on the days when I don't exercise, I am usually well under that number. Over the last 10 days (not counting today), I have averaged 1,069 calories a day. Twice I was under 1,000 calories. This is not very many calories. I should be losing weight at a good clip.

But yet I am only averaging around a pound lost per week. This is still fine, I suppose, but it's not what I am hoping for. And I have been thinking recently that once I got under 1,200 calories allowed per day, I was going to switch over to the 1½-pound-a-week plan. It would allow me more calories, something closer to a "maintenance" plan -- gradually work my way back up to eating "normally" and take my time with the transition. It would have delayed my reaching my goal weight, but I figured it would make it easier for me to keep the weight off.

I'm not sure what to think about everything now. Part of me thinks that the reason why my weight loss has stalled out somewhat is because I am so restricted -- is my body going into "starvation" mode? If I switch over to the 1½-pound-plan, I'll get about 250 extra calories a day. Will that give me a boost, kickstart the weight loss again? I have heard of that working for other people. Will it work for me too?

I haven't decided yet, and I'm afraid to experiment just yet. For the time being -- or until I lose some more weight, I guess -- to stick with the plan I have in place, and see where it takes me. Obviously I'd still like to keep losing 2 lbs. a week, but I'll take what I can get.

12W12S11: Ash Wednesday

So. Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, and the start of that time of year when people like me (i.e., Catholics, or at least hypothetical Catholics, or at least susceptible to Catholic guilt) generally make promises to themselves that they will change their wicked ways, make sacrifices, give up a particular vice, try to become better people, for just a little while at least.

Or, as I have been thinking about it lately: they're doing for the next six weeks what I've been doing for the last ten months.

I sound like I am bitter, but I'm not. Not really, anyway. I mean, I can tell you as well as anyone else how good it is to make changes in your life. Cut back on the caffeine, switch to diet soda, eat a healthy breakfast, get more fiber, drink more water, measure your portions, exercise regularly (or at least more often than "never"). This is basically what I've been doing since May -- and by the way, has it really been that long already? almost a year? yowza! -- and in that time I've dropped around 70 lbs. The cumulative result of any number of small positive changes really adds up over time.

But that's where I have my problem with Lent: it's just not enough time for the small positive changes to really amount to much. Lent is 46 days long if you start counting today and go through Easter Sunday, just 6½ weeks from now, and then almost everyone abandons their "resolutions."

(Yes, I know everybody thinks that it's 40 days long, but everybody is wrong -- it's actually 46 days, but Sundays don't count as "days" of Lent, and Lenten sacrifices need not apply because Sundays are not supposed to be days of fasting, but it's not like the calendar stops counting. [And if we're going to be all technical about it, I guess I should mention that Lent actually runs from Ash Wednesday through the Lord's Supper, exclusive, which means it doesn't actually start until tomorrow, and it runs until Holy Thursday -- so Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday themselves do not count as days of Lent, either, so ... minus four days, minus the six Sundays in there, carry the one, divide by the square root of seventeen ... that makes Lent itself actually 36 days long, although the Lenten Season is 46 days long. {And I bet nobody thought I paid attention in Catholic school, huh?}])

My point -- and yes, I do have one, shut up! -- is that I don't think 6½ weeks is long enough for anyone to make permanent lifestyle changes. It's a great place to start (I look back at what I was eating when I was 6½ weeks into the 12-Week 12-Step that turned into whatever the hell this has turned into, for me, and I can see that I was well on my way at that point, even though I bet I was eating about 1½ times as much food then as I am eating now), but it's just that: a start. You can't change everything in 6½ weeks, and since most people go right back to what they were doing in the first place as soon as they open up their chocolate marshmallow bunny heads first thing on Easter morning, I would argue that they don't actually change anything.

Lots of people put themselves on dietary restrictions for Lent: no soda, no chocolate, no caffeine, no whatever. I think this is fine on the whole, but why limit your self-improvement to just these 6½ weeks? Limiting my intake of stuff that got me into "trouble" has been a big help for me on this path. But I had to limit my intake of that stuff forever. And that wasn't all I did. I have always found positive activity, doing something, to be more helpful and ultimately more productive than not doing something else. Instead of just doing without things that are bad for you, perhaps it might be better to add in something that is more healthful.

So instead of giving something up for Lent -- I only eat 1,200 calories a day anyway, so it's not like I have a whole lot of room to cut much out without keeling over -- I'm going to work very hard on feeling more positively about what I am doing, and I am just going to keep on doing it. It's working. I look better, I feel better (most of the time). Maybe I am not well, not entirely, not yet, but I am better. And isn't that supposed to be the point?

12W12S11: Surrender

So you remember that I had this diet goal of being able to buy a pair of jeans at the Gap by March 1st, right? Well I'm going to come out and admit, right off the bat, that it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I am disappointed but not devastated, which means that I am making progress on my multitude of issues. At this time last year -- hell, at this time six months ago -- this kind of setback might have thrown me way off kilter and possibly thrown me into some kind of emotional tailspin, but right now? It's not all that big of a deal. So it will take me another few weeks? So what?

Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, we're all all right, we're all all right!

Believe me, this is HUGE for me. If you've been reading my blogs, you know I have BIG ISSUES, so acceptance of myself at any point in the game is an EPIC PERSONAL WIN.

So I've revised the plan and now I am hoping to buy that mythical magical pair of jeans at the Gap by April 1st. What's another month? By then I might even be down a whole additional size, and I'll be able to get 14's. Additionally, I have a pair of jeans and a pair of velveteen pants from Talbot's that I ordered online that are still too small -- I ordered 16's, which is what I wear in Lane Bryant pants, but either LB sizes run big or Talbot's sizes run small or both, because I can't get anywhere close to buttoning the Talbot's pants -- that I hope will fit by April 1st. New pants for everybody, yay!

Oh, are you looking for numbers? Apparently the combination of PMS last week and strep throat earlier this week has been good for me, because I lost 5½ lbs in 2 weeks. I continue to wish that my loss was more consistent -- I am still trying to lose 2 lbs. a week but I will settle for even ½ lb., as long as I lose SOMETHING every week -- but I am not about to beat myself up over it.

And, because it's been a while, a "recipe" for you, although I hesitate to call this one a recipe because it kind of isn't -- mostly it's a bunch of delicious things slapped in a bowl. But it was good, it was one of the best lunches I've had in weeks, and you should try it too.

Diet Loaded Baked Potato

• 1 medium baking potato (Russett, Idaho -- brown skin, about ½ lb.)
• 2 tablespoons shredded reduced-fat cheddar cheese
• 1 tablespoon real bacon bits
• 2 tablespoons reduced- or non-fat sour cream
• 1 tablespoon dried chives

1. Wash potato. Wrap in aluminum foil and bake, or poke with holes, wrap in a paper towel, and cook in the microwave for 4-5 minutes or until done.
2. Remove potato from oven and allow to cool until it can be handled comfortably.
3. Split potato lengthwise and lightly "chop" or mash until slightly fluffy.
4. Sprinkle cheese and bacon over potato.
5. If necessary, microwave for 15-25 seconds or until cheese is melted.
6. Top with sour cream and chives.
7. Thoroughly enjoy.

Based on LoseIt!'s calculations, each loaded potato has between 250-275 calories, depending on the size of the potato and whether you use reduced-fat or fat-free sour cream (I used fat-free and mine came out to 265 calories). Worth every single calorie.

Cousins Calendar: January 2012

So. I got some work done.

I haven't started working on the Cupcake Calendar yet, but I think I'll be using a similar theme for that page as well (singular "angel" obviously). I might change the colors some, and the font, but I like the "Snow Angel" concept so I think I'll run with it.

Financial Alchemy

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I am probably the last person in the world who should ever give anybody any kind of financial advice. I run out of paycheck long before the next one comes in -- although, in this economy, that seems to be happening to more and more people.

"In this economy." Heh. Wish I had that excuse fifteen years ago, when I totally trashed my credit and had to borrow money from basically everybody I knew to keep myself from being sent to debtors' prison, when I was just a little naïve and a whole lot of stupid.

It's taken us a long time to get our money situation in order, and a lot of that is because of me. I admit this. And even now, we're not in the best shape, financially-speaking, but we're better off than a lot of people. Even when my husband was out of work, we managed to make ends meet, somehow. Primarily because he is good at managing his money, but also because I think that maybe I have finally, after all this time, learned to manage mine.

That sounds weird, probably -- "his money" and "my money," but that's the arrangement that works for us. We've been married for almost 12 years, and we still have separate checking accounts. People tell us it's bizarre to do this, deranged even, but we have a standing agreement that we will not commingle our finances until we are done paying for the things for which we are individually responsible.

I don't want him paying my student loans. I don't want him paying for the long-lost crap that I bought in college that I am still on the hook for. That is my debt, not his, and I don't want him to be stuck with those burdens. What's his is his, and what's mine is mine, and what's ours is split as evenly as possible between us.

So the mortgage, the phone bills, the cable -- each of us pays a portion. Groceries and household stuff and things for Shae, we split. We take turns. But my car? I paid for that, and he pays for his. My gas? I pay for that too. My snacks and donations to the vending machine at work? I have to budget for these little luxuries, even if it means scrounging around in my ashtray and in the couch cushions if I want that stuff.

Sometimes it takes a bit of financial alchemy when there is a long time left before the next payday and I need to stretch the last $17 in my wallet over ten days. But we do manage to have enough money for the "big important stuff," like holidays and travel, because I believe very strongly in Christmas Club and Vacation Club. We've paid cash for about 90% of our gifts for the last three Christmases because of my Christmas Club.

Even when things were at their worst, during that 18-month stretch when my husband was unemployed, we never really had to worry about losing our house or losing our cars or anything, because our separate-but-equal strategy worked extremely well for us. Every extra couple of bucks got squirreled away for emergencies, so that when we had unexpected car repairs or a busted sink or whatever, we had a secret stash to get us through. We still have money left from our 2009 tax refund, which I think is pretty darned impressive.

So maybe I'm the last person in the world who should ever give anybody any kind of financial advice -- but believe me, whatever we are doing, it's working. And I am not about to muck about with a good thing.