12W12S2P: Under

As of my weigh-in yesterday morning, I now weigh 199.5 lbs. This is the first time that I have weighed under 200 lbs. in at least 5 years, and possibly in ten. This is, to put it mildly, a Big Damn Deal.

And I'm still not particularly happy about it.

Right now I am just not keeping up the pace I think I should be -- the LoseIt! plan I am following is the 2-pound-a-week plan. It is telling me I should be eating 1,202 calories per day or less, and even on the days when I don't exercise, I am usually well under that number. Over the last 10 days (not counting today), I have averaged 1,069 calories a day. Twice I was under 1,000 calories. This is not very many calories. I should be losing weight at a good clip.

But yet I am only averaging around a pound lost per week. This is still fine, I suppose, but it's not what I am hoping for. And I have been thinking recently that once I got under 1,200 calories allowed per day, I was going to switch over to the 1½-pound-a-week plan. It would allow me more calories, something closer to a "maintenance" plan -- gradually work my way back up to eating "normally" and take my time with the transition. It would have delayed my reaching my goal weight, but I figured it would make it easier for me to keep the weight off.

I'm not sure what to think about everything now. Part of me thinks that the reason why my weight loss has stalled out somewhat is because I am so restricted -- is my body going into "starvation" mode? If I switch over to the 1½-pound-plan, I'll get about 250 extra calories a day. Will that give me a boost, kickstart the weight loss again? I have heard of that working for other people. Will it work for me too?

I haven't decided yet, and I'm afraid to experiment just yet. For the time being -- or until I lose some more weight, I guess -- to stick with the plan I have in place, and see where it takes me. Obviously I'd still like to keep losing 2 lbs. a week, but I'll take what I can get.

12W12S11: Ash Wednesday

So. Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, and the start of that time of year when people like me (i.e., Catholics, or at least hypothetical Catholics, or at least susceptible to Catholic guilt) generally make promises to themselves that they will change their wicked ways, make sacrifices, give up a particular vice, try to become better people, for just a little while at least.

Or, as I have been thinking about it lately: they're doing for the next six weeks what I've been doing for the last ten months.

I sound like I am bitter, but I'm not. Not really, anyway. I mean, I can tell you as well as anyone else how good it is to make changes in your life. Cut back on the caffeine, switch to diet soda, eat a healthy breakfast, get more fiber, drink more water, measure your portions, exercise regularly (or at least more often than "never"). This is basically what I've been doing since May -- and by the way, has it really been that long already? almost a year? yowza! -- and in that time I've dropped around 70 lbs. The cumulative result of any number of small positive changes really adds up over time.

But that's where I have my problem with Lent: it's just not enough time for the small positive changes to really amount to much. Lent is 46 days long if you start counting today and go through Easter Sunday, just 6½ weeks from now, and then almost everyone abandons their "resolutions."

(Yes, I know everybody thinks that it's 40 days long, but everybody is wrong -- it's actually 46 days, but Sundays don't count as "days" of Lent, and Lenten sacrifices need not apply because Sundays are not supposed to be days of fasting, but it's not like the calendar stops counting. [And if we're going to be all technical about it, I guess I should mention that Lent actually runs from Ash Wednesday through the Lord's Supper, exclusive, which means it doesn't actually start until tomorrow, and it runs until Holy Thursday -- so Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday themselves do not count as days of Lent, either, so ... minus four days, minus the six Sundays in there, carry the one, divide by the square root of seventeen ... that makes Lent itself actually 36 days long, although the Lenten Season is 46 days long. {And I bet nobody thought I paid attention in Catholic school, huh?}])

My point -- and yes, I do have one, shut up! -- is that I don't think 6½ weeks is long enough for anyone to make permanent lifestyle changes. It's a great place to start (I look back at what I was eating when I was 6½ weeks into the 12-Week 12-Step that turned into whatever the hell this has turned into, for me, and I can see that I was well on my way at that point, even though I bet I was eating about 1½ times as much food then as I am eating now), but it's just that: a start. You can't change everything in 6½ weeks, and since most people go right back to what they were doing in the first place as soon as they open up their chocolate marshmallow bunny heads first thing on Easter morning, I would argue that they don't actually change anything.

Lots of people put themselves on dietary restrictions for Lent: no soda, no chocolate, no caffeine, no whatever. I think this is fine on the whole, but why limit your self-improvement to just these 6½ weeks? Limiting my intake of stuff that got me into "trouble" has been a big help for me on this path. But I had to limit my intake of that stuff forever. And that wasn't all I did. I have always found positive activity, doing something, to be more helpful and ultimately more productive than not doing something else. Instead of just doing without things that are bad for you, perhaps it might be better to add in something that is more healthful.

So instead of giving something up for Lent -- I only eat 1,200 calories a day anyway, so it's not like I have a whole lot of room to cut much out without keeling over -- I'm going to work very hard on feeling more positively about what I am doing, and I am just going to keep on doing it. It's working. I look better, I feel better (most of the time). Maybe I am not well, not entirely, not yet, but I am better. And isn't that supposed to be the point?

12W12S11: Surrender

So you remember that I had this diet goal of being able to buy a pair of jeans at the Gap by March 1st, right? Well I'm going to come out and admit, right off the bat, that it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I am disappointed but not devastated, which means that I am making progress on my multitude of issues. At this time last year -- hell, at this time six months ago -- this kind of setback might have thrown me way off kilter and possibly thrown me into some kind of emotional tailspin, but right now? It's not all that big of a deal. So it will take me another few weeks? So what?

Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, we're all all right, we're all all right!

Believe me, this is HUGE for me. If you've been reading my blogs, you know I have BIG ISSUES, so acceptance of myself at any point in the game is an EPIC PERSONAL WIN.

So I've revised the plan and now I am hoping to buy that mythical magical pair of jeans at the Gap by April 1st. What's another month? By then I might even be down a whole additional size, and I'll be able to get 14's. Additionally, I have a pair of jeans and a pair of velveteen pants from Talbot's that I ordered online that are still too small -- I ordered 16's, which is what I wear in Lane Bryant pants, but either LB sizes run big or Talbot's sizes run small or both, because I can't get anywhere close to buttoning the Talbot's pants -- that I hope will fit by April 1st. New pants for everybody, yay!

Oh, are you looking for numbers? Apparently the combination of PMS last week and strep throat earlier this week has been good for me, because I lost 5½ lbs in 2 weeks. I continue to wish that my loss was more consistent -- I am still trying to lose 2 lbs. a week but I will settle for even ½ lb., as long as I lose SOMETHING every week -- but I am not about to beat myself up over it.

And, because it's been a while, a "recipe" for you, although I hesitate to call this one a recipe because it kind of isn't -- mostly it's a bunch of delicious things slapped in a bowl. But it was good, it was one of the best lunches I've had in weeks, and you should try it too.

Diet Loaded Baked Potato

• 1 medium baking potato (Russett, Idaho -- brown skin, about ½ lb.)
• 2 tablespoons shredded reduced-fat cheddar cheese
• 1 tablespoon real bacon bits
• 2 tablespoons reduced- or non-fat sour cream
• 1 tablespoon dried chives

1. Wash potato. Wrap in aluminum foil and bake, or poke with holes, wrap in a paper towel, and cook in the microwave for 4-5 minutes or until done.
2. Remove potato from oven and allow to cool until it can be handled comfortably.
3. Split potato lengthwise and lightly "chop" or mash until slightly fluffy.
4. Sprinkle cheese and bacon over potato.
5. If necessary, microwave for 15-25 seconds or until cheese is melted.
6. Top with sour cream and chives.
7. Thoroughly enjoy.

Based on LoseIt!'s calculations, each loaded potato has between 250-275 calories, depending on the size of the potato and whether you use reduced-fat or fat-free sour cream (I used fat-free and mine came out to 265 calories). Worth every single calorie.

Cousins Calendar: January 2012

So. I got some work done.

I haven't started working on the Cupcake Calendar yet, but I think I'll be using a similar theme for that page as well (singular "angel" obviously). I might change the colors some, and the font, but I like the "Snow Angel" concept so I think I'll run with it.

Financial Alchemy

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I am probably the last person in the world who should ever give anybody any kind of financial advice. I run out of paycheck long before the next one comes in -- although, in this economy, that seems to be happening to more and more people.

"In this economy." Heh. Wish I had that excuse fifteen years ago, when I totally trashed my credit and had to borrow money from basically everybody I knew to keep myself from being sent to debtors' prison, when I was just a little naïve and a whole lot of stupid.

It's taken us a long time to get our money situation in order, and a lot of that is because of me. I admit this. And even now, we're not in the best shape, financially-speaking, but we're better off than a lot of people. Even when my husband was out of work, we managed to make ends meet, somehow. Primarily because he is good at managing his money, but also because I think that maybe I have finally, after all this time, learned to manage mine.

That sounds weird, probably -- "his money" and "my money," but that's the arrangement that works for us. We've been married for almost 12 years, and we still have separate checking accounts. People tell us it's bizarre to do this, deranged even, but we have a standing agreement that we will not commingle our finances until we are done paying for the things for which we are individually responsible.

I don't want him paying my student loans. I don't want him paying for the long-lost crap that I bought in college that I am still on the hook for. That is my debt, not his, and I don't want him to be stuck with those burdens. What's his is his, and what's mine is mine, and what's ours is split as evenly as possible between us.

So the mortgage, the phone bills, the cable -- each of us pays a portion. Groceries and household stuff and things for Shae, we split. We take turns. But my car? I paid for that, and he pays for his. My gas? I pay for that too. My snacks and donations to the vending machine at work? I have to budget for these little luxuries, even if it means scrounging around in my ashtray and in the couch cushions if I want that stuff.

Sometimes it takes a bit of financial alchemy when there is a long time left before the next payday and I need to stretch the last $17 in my wallet over ten days. But we do manage to have enough money for the "big important stuff," like holidays and travel, because I believe very strongly in Christmas Club and Vacation Club. We've paid cash for about 90% of our gifts for the last three Christmases because of my Christmas Club.

Even when things were at their worst, during that 18-month stretch when my husband was unemployed, we never really had to worry about losing our house or losing our cars or anything, because our separate-but-equal strategy worked extremely well for us. Every extra couple of bucks got squirreled away for emergencies, so that when we had unexpected car repairs or a busted sink or whatever, we had a secret stash to get us through. We still have money left from our 2009 tax refund, which I think is pretty darned impressive.

So maybe I'm the last person in the world who should ever give anybody any kind of financial advice -- but believe me, whatever we are doing, it's working. And I am not about to muck about with a good thing.

12W12S11: Unfamiliar Territory

Bad news first: Didn't lose any weight this week. Actually gained between ½ pound and 3 pounds, which tells me that either my scale is broken (probably not, because it's new) or I am timing things wrong (probable culprit, because I seem to want to weigh myself before I go to the bathroom, for some reason, like duh). I am annoyed by this development, but trying to not get to heavy into the self-immolation. Like, eh, I was off routine for a few days because of funerals and cancelled swimming lessons and Galactically Huge Sporting Event Parties, and those mini éclairs were freaking delicious. Whatever.

Good news next: Um. There really isn't any. Oh! Wait! Yes! I finally figured out a way to indulge my kid's desire to exercise with me without wearing myself out too much. We picked up a kid's yoga video at the store over the weekend (you would be surprised by what they hide away in the natural and organic section at a Wegman's -- no, wait, maybe you wouldn't) and I plan to try it out tonight after dinner. It doesn't look like it will burn a whole lot of extra calories for me, but hopefully it will be a nice bonding opportunity, and also maybe now my kid will stop sitting at the top of the steps like some kind of creepy stalker to watch me do my Pilates.

Worse news last: People are starting to pay attention to how I look now, and it's kind of bothering me. (I know, shut up, right?) I went to a funeral last Thursday and at the luncheon afterwards I spent maybe a solid hour talking about how much weight I've lost, how I'm doing it, whether I can eat this-that-or-the-other thing, "oh my God I can't believe how skinny you look," etc., when I should have been, you know, remembering the dead or whatever. Skinny! Someone called me skinny! And it's weird, because I really am not. Yes, I have lost quite a bit of weight, but I still have to lose at least as much as I have already. In theory, I am glad that people notice, because for a long time I felt like I was on the periphery all the time, just the big girl with the quick quips and the loud laugh, but in reality, I don't know how I feel about the attention.

Yeah, yeah, "first-world white-girl problems." But the more people notice the physical changes, the more I feel like there need to be psychological changes, too, and that's when every nice thing that people have to say becomes a potential trigger. I'm supposed to still be me, only better, but ... I don't always feel better about myself. I mean, it's exhausting, really, to not know how to take a compliment, to question the motives of people who really do mean well, who want to be encouraging. Much as I love the schadenfreude, I should be relishing the envy in people's eyes, because I really have worked long and hard to get to this point.

I mean -- my God, I am exercising! At least three times a week! On purpose! It's like anarchy up in this mother!

So, yes, along with all the weight I still have to drop, I have a lot of issues I need to work on as well. Thanks for bearing with me as I continue to venture through this unfamiliar territory. (The being "skinny," not the being crazy, obviously, like duh).

12W12S11: Murder Was the Case

Part The First -- I have come to the realization that I make some damn good diet food. Take tonight's dinner, for example: meatballs with sauce, spaghetti with butter and Parmesan cheese, mixed vegetables. If I didn't tell you that everything was portion-controlled and carefully calorie-counted, you'd never know. I'm very proud of that. You can look at what I was eating back in July, when I was allowed close to 1,600 calories a day, and if you compare it now, when I am allowed just over 1,200 calories a day, and my evening meals don't look all that different, actually. Maybe a little smaller, sometimes, but not really all that different.

Part The Second -- I am pretty sure that Mari Winsor is trying to murder me, and I think it's a load of hooey. What the hell did I ever do to her? I've been trying to be a good little girl, doing my Pilates Bootcamp video every week like I'm supposed to, even adding some different workouts this week (which, bee-tee-dubs, I will review as soon as I get through all of them), and still she wants me dead or something.

HONEST TO GOD I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH PAIN IN MY ABS IN MY WHOLE LIFE. It's murder, I tell you -- murder! But I shall keep on keepin' on, because I ordered new pants today and I want to be able to button them.